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So please stalk me over there now. ^__^

I will Probably Delete This But

I'm annoyed at the tooth situation (can't get it extracted til the middle of JULY), I'm annoyed at people who insist on commenting on my weight and I think the best thing to do is just get this off my chest.

The most frustrating thing is that I am fully responsible for the state of my teeth.

I used to have great teeth. My very picky hygenist even used to compliment me, saying that I obviously took good care of them. Going to the dentist for a cleaning was always quick and easy. I had a couple of minor cavities back when I was younger, but for the most part, no problems. Nothing to worry about.

Then. . .things changed.

Here's the bombshell, kids.

From 2000 to 2008 I dealt with all kinds of eating related problems. From 2003 on, that largely meant purging. I was NOT bulimic because bingeing was not much my thing, but normal sized meals and snacks? Anywhere from a few times a day to just a couple of times a week, that ice cream/cous cous and veggie mix/sushi/egg and cheese sandwich/you name it was bound to see the light of day again, and soon.

It's not even so much that I was doing it to lose weight. I was never quite efficient enough for that. It was just something I didn't think I could do, so it became its own perverse little challenge-- I was going to show my body who was boss. After it was obvious that I *could* it was so ingrained as a habit, and I'm sure chemically, that I could not quit. Literally nothing was safe to eat, not even salad if I ate "too much" of it.

Well, as you can imagine, this caused a lot of physical problems, but the destruction of my teeth has been the most lasting. A lot of purgers swig mouthwash afterwards to get rid of some of the acid, but not me. I didn't *want* a clean bill of health; I wanted someone to notice that something was up.

Yeah. In 2008, I got my "wish" when x-rays showed that I had 12 cavities, noticeable enamel erosion and of course, that misshapen back tooth. I was NOT thrilled; I went back to the apartment and cried. Didn't stop me from throwing up though; a few days later, I was at it again.

Between moving into Travis' family's house (where I'm never alone) and my Kripalu trip last year, I was ready to quit and furthermore, had no choice. There was no magic to the process; at first it was so, so, so hard but eventually I saw that by sticking to my 80% good, 20% junk food ratio, I could keep my weight just fine. There are still things I do not like to eat, but nothing is really off limits. And even before my tooth started acting up, I decided it was pretty much over. The few slips I had made me feel so awful physically that I realize I just wasn't into that anymore. I don't miss constant acid reflux, nor heart palpitations, nor lightheadedness and feeling off-balance all the time.

So sometimes nowadays when people comment on my weight, I get kinda mad because I feel like they may be insinuating that I have a problem when I truly, honestly don't. I've been through a lot and had to work to get to the healthy point I am at now; I am fervently against dieting and all that crap. I am much more inspired by people who eat well, exercise cuz they want to, and realize that there's much more to living than obsessing over all that.

That's it.

The Verdict:

Out, damned tooth!

Yeah. From what I described, my dentist thinks most of the pain is due to a minor infection, but pretty much, it's time for the tooth to go. UNfortunately, since it's my very back molar, he cannot extract it in his office-- I'll need to go to an oral surgeon. In the meantime, I get Amoxycillin for the infection and Vicodin for the pain. Wheeeee.

He gave me a list of nearby oral surgeons, plus there's the one I've already used a long time ago to get my wisdom teeth out that I know is good. Now the trick is finding out who takes my lovely Aetna Dental insurance. Who needs national health care? Certainly not the US! @_@

Anyways, that's the scoop. So I'll still be grumpy in pain for a little while longer.

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, etc.

So for the past few days, I have been in a lot of pain, thanks largely to my "rogue tooth." My back left molar is barely even a tooth-- it's about half its normal size and is mostly filling. The last time my dentist did work on it he told me if it started bothering me again, it was either gonna be a root canal or the tooth was gonna have to come out.

Well, it might be that time. Tylenol helps, but not for long (certainly not for 8 hours), I haven't gotten a full night's sleep these few days, and I just feel blah because of the pain. The good thing is that it *doesn't* hurt to eat, even cold stuff is relatively okay. That's the only reason why I think it may NOT be the rogue tooth, but the molar in front of it that's having the issues. Before, when the bad tooth had problems, I couldn't eat on that side at all. I called the dentist this morning, but so far they haven't gotten back to me. I hope they at least call in a prescription for some pain killers for me or something cuz this pretty much sucks.

I'm angry because my teeth are the only things continuing to give me problems although I'm nearly at the 1-year mark, recovery wise (if you've known me forever, you're probably thinking 'it's about time' and if you havent any idea what I'm talking about, sorryz, nothing I really feel like explaining today). Everything else physical that was giving me problems healed up nicely, or at least closely enough to normal that it's only an occasional problem. But I guess teeth don't mend so well. Nothing's going to take away those 12 cavities and I don't know if I'll ever gain back all the enamel I lost, which make my front teeth practically see-through. It's like one last reminder that you can think you have all this control over your body but eventually the body says fuck you and snatches the reins back.Ugh.

Well,the dentist just called as I was typing. They can't see me til Thursday anyway, so I guess it's life as usual til then. >_<

Send Me Back to Kripalu!

Hello, everyone! Yeah, I'm back. Kinda wish I wasn't. :p

Travis and I had a good, relaxing time, as expected. It only really rained on our first day and at night, otherwise it was just overcast and kind of cool, but we still got to do some outside things.

Some highlights:

-cooking demo the first night. got a recipe for some awesome pad thai and picked up some other new cooking ideas. I think next time I am going to kidnap the head chef and make him my personal cook. :p haha

-the food. it's just great. i wasn't disappointed by anything I had, and some of the dishes were positively to die for (the whipped yams. . .::drool::)

-my lovely, lovely red rooibos tea. I got the web address for where they get it from and I am DEFINITELY getting some before the weather turns colder this year. I don't even like tea this much, but it is the best one ever.

-got my ayurvedic consultation done and learned that I am Pitta-Vata, not mostly Vata like I had thought (though I *used* to be much more vata, so i wasn't totally off). I learned more about what I should eat more of and what I should avoid and some other recommendations, including an herb to try taking when my stomach starts acting up. It was very interesting and I'm glad I got it done.

-watching travis feed peanuts to the super friendly chipmunks and birds. feels like you're in a Disney movie, lol.

-we finally got another *good* picture of the two of us, and on our 3 year anniversary (6/10).

-walking the labrynth again. I *may* have left a wish/hope for this year just like I did last time. It worked then, maybe it will work this year too. ^__^

-attended a kirtan, which is basically chanting, accompanied by music. Sometimes they got a little repetitious (like 13 minutes of "Ganesha somethingsomething, somethingsomething Ganesha) but overall it was fun and a new experience.

-Speaking of, neither Travis nor I are Hindu at all, but Ganesha was like, the overall theme of the week. He seemed to pop up *everywhere* and I even ended up buying a shirt with him on it, lol.

-MC Yogi. Perhaps the only thing closest to rap that I will listen to. Certainly not your typical yoga music!

-We did not go kayaking as I had kinda hoped, not cuz of the weather but because we were too exhausted from a 5 mile hike that morning! It was not the easiest hike in the world, so it kinda killed Travis and I actually took a nap when we got back to the room, lol. At the top of the mountain though was a really nice view fo the town below, and of course, the other mountains.

-The last workshop we attended was a chakra meditation that could be used to help spark creativity. It was pretty cool and maybe something to try at least a mini version of before I attempt to write from now on.

Well, that's certainly not everything, but I would say that it was another successful Kripalu trip and again, if you're open to those types of things, totally recommend you go. Even a weekend would be a good length of time away. It's just nice to be somewhere where you don't HAVE to do anything and you can run around barefoot all day if you want. :p

We have pictures, but they are all on Travis' camera, so you will just have to wait.

PS-- still considering starting a new, slightly different blog. If I get tomorrow off (or Monday) I may start it then. Of course I will keep you updated. <(^-^)>

Bad, Bad Blogger

I apologize because that much is true. It's mostly cuz of WoW, yeah, but there have also been plenty of times when I've sat down and started writing, then just deleted the whole thing and walked away. I don't know. Nothing seemed entry-worthy.

Soooooooz, here's the deal: I am most likely not going to be writing again before my trip. When I come back, I am sure I'll have tons to write about, but first I want to kind of revamp how I've been doing this thing. It might require a little more honesty from yours truly but I think it might result in less "almost entries" and more actual writing! I've also been inspired by a lot of the blogs I've been reading on here, based on healthy eating and healthy living. So, I don't know yet if I am just going to redo this blog or start another one entirely, but I'll let you know.

Warning Post

Hello everyone.

I'm going to write a bit when I get home. First I'm gonna go out, go to the post office, maybe stop by the co-op for a bite to eat, and then I'm gonna go to the barn and give Dandy a carrot. I'm trying not to play WoW *all* day, though it does seem like my paladin is never gonna level up. :p

So, laterz.

The Ocean

I always say I wouldn't care if I moved away from Rhode Island. I'm not a "beach person" and frankly, I would rather have rolling, green fields (full of horses!) than the coastline.

But I can't deny that I do like spending time near the ocean. When I lived in the "crack house" a few years ago, Narragansett Beach was right down the road and so I'd often spend time walking along or sitting on the sea wall. Something about the salty air, the freshness of it, not to mention the sound and hypnotic motion of the waves is calming. I've read that there are more negative ions in ocean air and that literally does have a relaxing affect; maybe there is some truth to that. All I know is that I probably *would* miss having easy access to the beach if it suddenly wasn't there anymore.

The ocean is a good reminder of interconnectedness too, as well as the notion of aimlessness. The purpose of the ocean is to just be the ocean, just as our purpose is to be ourselves. Yes, we all have obligations and jobs and blah blah blah but it's all kind of useless if you can't just be in the present moment. Well, in any case, on the sea wall is when I first started seriously reading about Buddhism and actually understanding it, so being there takes me back to those "aha" moments.


********

Well, today is probably my last riding lesson for a few weeks. Even if I don't change barns, I need a few weeks off so I can put the extra money towards the Kripalu trip. I am going to miss my Goober, but I'll have to stop by once a week or so to bring him treats. ^__^

untitled

Hi everyone. So sorry that I haven't written, but I've been trying to. I even started writing a few entries, thought them over and then deleted them. The past few days have just been that way, I guess.

Why is it so hard to remember. . .?

I've put this idea out there before, but here it is again:

"Waking up this morning, I smile.
Twenty-four brand new hours are before me.
I vow to live fully in each moment
and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion." (Hanh, 102).

I've been wicked struggling with this lately. The worst part is, nothing's really happened to make me feel so grumpy and easily bothered again.

Part of it is just the same old problem of feeling frustrated and alone. I cling to those feelings without even meaning to because I've dealt with them for so long. I'm used to dwelling in a constant state of misery.

But I know that that does not take care of myself in anyway and by turning myself inward, I sure as hell can't help anyone else. It's a bad (but familiar) way of escaping the present moment in which things are fine. Just cuz I'm not used to things being "fine."

I cling very tightly to how I've been treated in the past by others. Then it's easy to throw a barrier up between myself and the world because I can point to the past and say "look at how I've been hurt before." Hell, I can't even join a group in WoW without being severely insecure. The one time I did an instance with other people, I couldn't wait to get out. :/

It's important to keep in mind that everything is always changing and the best way to go into any situation is free of any preconceived notions. It can be so much easier said than done, I know (and again, lately I've not even been taking my own advice). But consider this: every moment is a possible new beginning. Even if the rest of your day has sucked, you can take a breath right now and start again. Then if you tense back up 2 minutes from now, you can take another deep breath and go back to relaxation, as many times as you need to. Seriously, life is too short to go around being tense or upset by petty things. Be mindful of whatever you are doing in your present moment. That's all there is to it.

For example, I'm going to be mindfully playing World of Warcraft. Take that! :P

I Feel Bad

for the way I seem sometimes.

I feel as though my normal mode is distant, aloof, composed. All the time in the past I've had to deal with people, particularly boyfriends, feeling as though I didn't really care about them, or at least, not that much.

And it's frustrating because I *do* care, but I have a hard time showing it. By nature I am very serious and reserved. It takes a long time to break out of that shell, and even when I do I can revert right back to it if I feel at all slighted by others.

I'm not even sure if other people feel the same way or if it's just so ingrained into my mind that that's "how I am" even if it's not true.

And I am probably overanalysing this.

I just sometimes still feel alone, cuz I know I have some different interests (to put it mildly) and that sometimes I am way too serious. Part of me is still stuck in my freshman year of college when I hated being myself because apparently I wasn't decent enough to make *any* friends. And then the ways in which I chose to self destruct at least earned me some online friends and community. I used to tell therapists I couldn't give up my habits cuz they made me interesting. I'm starting to think that no, maybe I was afraid to give them up because I would no longer be able to have that kinship if I wanted it. There aren't any good "yeah, now you're recovered!" forums. Believe me, I've looked. :p

Well, that's enough. I have 20 minutes to play WoW and I am not wasting them!

80/20 Rides Again

So my friend Kristin from work is writing about a new book, Naturally Thin. Now, I must admit that I've read some very mixed reviews of the book and advice the author gives, so I've been interested in learning more in depth about what it says.

One of the author's main points is "Your diet is a bank account." Healthy foods are like "smart investments" and thus junk foods are splurges-- fine, but the goal is to keep the account in balance.

I think this advice is all well and good as long as one doesn't go overboard with it. My own personal diet theory is what I call the "80/20;" eighty percent good food, twenty percent whatever. Or, even more simply, you can have junk food, but don't make that the majority of what you're eating.

As I've said before in here, it just makes sense. Eating like crap makes you feel like crap, physically and mentally. But if the majority of what you eat is good, real food-- whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and veggies, some dairy-- go ahead and have some cookies or a chocolate bar. This leads to the second point Naturally Thin's author talks about, one's "food voice." We all know the feeling-- when for whatever reason you're just in the mood for pizza, or a big green salad or what have you. I agree that if you really pay attention to this feeling, you are less like to get carried away and end up eating an entire box of sweets.

This is why I sometimes can't stand fitness books or magazines that make it seem like SUCH a treat to allow yourself like, 2 Hershey's kisses or 1 fun sized Snickers bar once or twice a week. Bitch, please. I think by feeling as though one *has* to have such a tiny portion, it's just setting oneself up for a binge, or at the very least, eating more junk than might be a good idea. Seriously, say you have 4 M&Ms in the early afternoon and then find yourself out at dinner later that night. How easy is it going to be to think "well, I *only* had a little bit of chocolate before. let's get cheesecake!" and then bam! You're probably going to feel bad later for blowing it.

This is why I feel it is perfectly okay to have *one normal sized junky thing a day.* A whole slice of cake or a whole candy bar-- none of this mini sized crap. And usually that one normal sized thing keeps me over junk-food wise the whole day. Now that is not to say that if a small portion IS what you're craving, you should make yourself have more. No way. Again, you gotta listen to what your body is telling you.

Mind you, that is so much easier said than done. For about 10 years, there was no sane food voice in my life. A third of the author's rules is when whatever you're eating ceases to taste as good as it did at the first bite, stop eating. Again, this can be very difficult if you're not used to paying attention to your internal signals. I mean, I HATE feeling full-- it makes my skin crawl-- but for the longest time, I didn't even FEEL full until I was ready to burst. I don't think I was tasting my food at all, nevermind paying attention from one bite to the next. This is where mindfulness needs to be applied. If you slow down and pay attention to what you're eating, you will know when you're satisfied. It can take practice.

Well, all in all I think I follow the book's ideas naturally, just in a more relaxed fashion. I aim to eat a variety of foods each day, including some junk. When I'm full, I stop. The end. I don't like getting caught up in how much of a particular food group I'm eating or what size particular meals should be. I'll stay a bit anarchistic where all that's concerned. ;)

Boring, Sorry

Loggin'. . .

breakfast:
egg and cheese on a spinach bagel
coffee (black, of course)

snack:
1 chocolate mint Clif bar

lunch:
hard to describe. . .a tofu-chicken roll stuffed with beans and corn and maybe cheese? I don't know, but it was good.
2 medjool dates

after work snack:
4 Joe Joes

dinner:
black beans, mixed veggies, salsa and guacamole clump with blue corn chips

I will probably just have an apple heated up with my usual mix of Ayurvedically pleasing spices later.


***********

I have to set up an appointment with my GP withint the next few weeks so I can get a refill of my meds. Although I think what I'm currently on now is fine, I am a little worried about once school starts. I might be time to bump the dosage up as a security measure, just to see what happens.

There's an article in the latest Newsweek about an organization for mentally ill people choosing to live without medication. I don't like being stuck with meds, but if I don't take them, I pretty much can't get out of bed-- and it only gets worse from there. I guess if you have some kind of mania or something like that, you could funnel that energy into creative pursuits or something productive, but that is so not the case with me.

Although-- since getting better on track than I used to be, I find it very, very diffiicult to write fiction like I used to. Those of you who have known me for awhile *know* my never-ending novel (No--Part II!) I still "know" what's going on, if you will, but if I try to sit down and write it. . .forget it. It's very very difficult. In a way, I know that's a good thing because I'm not living vicariously through my characters, but at the same time. . .I miss writing!

Well, I'm gonna stop here, cuz even thinking about this is starting to bring me down. Guess I'll play MahJong til WoW is an option again. :p

Chhhhhhhhhh

The c is not an accident!

I have no idea what I'm talking about, lol.

Today was not really a good day. I drove to Warwick, hoping Barnes and Noble would have some newer editions of a few magazines, but no such luck. In any case, I found a few things I would have like to buy, but then I reconsidered. I could definitely use the money for other things, so I put everything back. Decisions, decisions.

Then I came home and played WoW. All day. And in the course of all this, I only ate a Prana Bar (like a granola bar, but all raw ingredients) and a double berry scone from Sophie's all day. It is no surprise then why my mood took a nose dive as the afternoon went on. :/ I scarfed down a few snacks (a few dates, some Joe Joes) but didn't eat anything else substantial until right now, after going grocery shopping. I just made a quick, microwaved mix of frozen mixed veggies, seitan, salsa and a glob of guacamole for some savoriness. I threw in a few drops of Frank's Red Hot and then ate it up with organic blue corn chips. Surprise, I already feel better. ~_~

There has been one matter on my mind, however, and that is: I think it may be time for me to switch barns. When I first started riding again, last September, it had tentatively been my plan *anyway* not to stay at this place forever. I simply wanted to get back into riding shape and then I'd make the switch over to a barn that's more advanced.

Well, I think it's that time. There's nothing wrong with this current place, but if I stay here, my riding is *not* going to advance at all. I like my instructor, but she's definitely more used to dealing with beginners and sometimes I feel like she doesn't quite know what to do with me-- I end up making a lot of own instructions (like silently deciding to do Figure 8's or leg yields. . .stuff like that). And you already know I love, love, love the horse that I ride, but poor Dandy is not and never will be capable of doing anything more than a basic walk, trot, and canter. He just never had the training when he was younger to say, move in a dressage frame and it's obvious he gets unhappy when I ask him to. Plus, I wouldn't mind jumping again, as that's what I was primarily into back in the day, and there's only one horse at the barn that is capable of doing so. This barn simply isn't geared towards jumping anyway-- they don't have any real fences or jump standards. . .just a few cavalettis that max out at 18" or so, tops.

I think I know the barn that I want to switch to; I've known several people who have ridden with this trainer and gave her good reviews all around. Plus, lessons are only $10 more for a full hour of riding, so that's a better deal in the long run. So. . .not sure when I'm going to give this place a call and I'm *definitely* not sure how I'm going to leave my current place. Truthfully, I did want to take a few weeks off before we go to Kripalu so I can use what would have been riding money as "vacation money" so maybe after that I can just say that I need to take some time off for financial reasons. . .dunno. I have a feeling it wouldn't be taken well if I came out with my real reason, even though I don't mean any ill will towards anyone there. :\

So, that's my little dilemma of the moment.

This past Saturday evening, Travis and I went to Rhodes on the Pawtuxet in Cranston for the RI Heritage Hall of Fame's banquet. One of the professors we both had, Professor Molloy, was inducted for the contributions he has made as a labor activist, a professor, and a historian. The ceremony was okay. . .sure enough he was the next to last person to be inducted and by that time I was starting to get sleepy, lol. I absolutely think he has earned the accolades and if any of you current URI students have an extra 3 credits you need to use up, I highly recommend taking the History of Labor. I'm not exaggerating when I say that that class was life changing for me. It wasn't a topic I had seriously thought about before and every class had so much food for thought --

and dammit, I gotta go. Will finish at some point!

YO

I have stuff to write about, but I don't know if I'll be motivated to before I go to work. Thanks Wayne for putting me on at 2 instead of 4 like Christine used to. >_<.

A Reply to Myself

I wrote that last entry kind of on an impulse. Everything in it is true, but nevertheless it was an impulsive composition.

But when I read through it again yesterday, it was like my mind recoiled from the words that I was reading. As though just the essence of the idea of "relapsing" made something in me take notice and say "really?" And instead of feeling angry, I felt a sense of relief probably for the first time EVER that I am just fine the way I am now-- which is to say, healthy (other than this damn cough/cold >;p).

So I found it interesting when I was re-reading an issue of Tricycle that night and came across a short article about the concept of Juingong; one's underlying mind. But it's more than just a rational, thinking mind, instead it is described as one's foundation, as "the unconditional love [and compassion] bodhisattvas have for all beings." And what struck me is that the article went on to say that a thought from one's Juingong is "free of any sense of the notion 'I raised a thought.'" It just freely crops up. That is much more like what I experienced when I reread my last entry and when I sat down and thought about what I said. *

Maybe all this crazy Buddhist stuff hasn't been for naught! :p

Well, I would write more, but I have to work 12 to freaking 9 today, and I have things to do before then. See you all laterz.


*The history student in me said I should go back and cite my quotes. They are from the article "Thinking Big" by Daehaeng Kun Sunim, pgs 16-17 in Tricycle's Winter 2008 edition. FIN

Still Freaking Sick

Can't think of anything good to write. Is this proof that my post-craziness life = boring?

ETA: I always think things happen for a reason, and I think the timing of this dastardly cold was no accident as I was seriously considering relapsing *just a bit.*

I hate that my coping mechanism/s were taken away from me practically cold turkey and for almost a year, at that! I should be glad, I should be thankful (because I even said myself in my old issue-related blog that I probably wouldn't be able to stop until I completely hit a wall) but even to this day I'm not. I should be, cuz I never would have made such mental and emotional progress as I have if this long respite hadn't happened. I just wish there was a way I could have it all-- but that's what this whole thing's about, eh? @_@

I could list the physical improvements I've seen in myself over the past year, but I feel like that would be giving too much away. Suffice to say, one thing that hasn't gone away are the 12 cavities I accrued over several years. Or how about my last upper left molar that's had so much erosion + dental work it's barely even a tooth anymore? HOT.

Oh, I gotta stop dwelling. So much is wrong about this based on what I believe. . .I don't know how I could justify it to myself anymore. I'm going to eat an apple and call it a night.

Goodnight, Kapha

So today I decided to eat mostly kapha-pacifying foods, hoping this will make *some* difference in my cold.

For breakfast I had an asian pear and a cup of Throat Coat tea. I also had one Vitamin C chewable tablet.

Lunch was at Applebee's in Warwick. . .I had the Cajun Lime Tilapia with squash, broccoli and carrots plus rice pilaf on the side. Remember, foods to make kapha happy should be light and warm-- I thought this meal fit the bill. Ayurveda is also big on how the *taste* of food can affect doshas. Astringent and pungent foods (such as oh, lime juice and cajun spices) are good for perking up kapha. Veggies are good for all doshas, and although raw veggies are possibly better for kaphas, I needed the extra warmth. A salad today probably wouldn't have been a great idea.

Of course, after eating my main meal I went and threw off the balance completely by having a strawberry cheesecake shooter! Oops, heh. ._.

Since Travis and I went to Trader Joe's today for just a few items, I couldn't help getting some Joe-Joe's, which are basically superior Oreos. And yes, I had a few. But I think I made up for my few kapha-unfriendly slips tonight by making a big pot of kichadi (kichari, same thing). A kitchari is any combination of rice, split mung dal beans, veggies and spices, catered to whatever one's needs are at the moment. The one I made tonight was a warming/lung kichari with lots and lots of spices, a bunch of garlic and just sweet potatoes for a veggie. I had 2 bowls full but luckily I still have plenty left for tomorrow and possibly Monday as well!

I'm not hoping for a miracle, I just hope this cold goes along its merry way relatively quickly. I felt so crappy this morning I even had to cancel my riding lesson, and that's not a decision I take lightly. :p

Well, all for now. See most of you guys soon!

I've Done It Again

not really again, but whatever.

So I think I may be dealing with a minor kapha imbalance right now. Remember, kapha is one of the three Ayurvedic doshas that everyone has. Kapha has everything to do with dampness and heaviness. It is easily imbalanced in the spring because--surprise-- damp and wet are words that often (and have been!) describe the usual weather. As you may remember, one tenet of Ayurveda is that like increases like. . .and too much of a dosha can cause sickness.

For the past few days I've been sleepy and overall run-down and I have an annoying tickle in my throat due to post-nasal drip and mucus. Yum. I've also been a little headachy. Guess what common symptoms are of kapha imbalance? You guessed it-- sluggishness, headaches and excess mucus.

It's probably something I should have seen coming, because I've also been eating the worst kapha aggravating diet ever-- cold drinks, lots of dairy, a lot of fatty processed foods and lots o' chocolate. All that, combined with the weather, was really just asking for it. So what should I probably be doing instead?

-Ginger tea. One of my texts recommends either a ginger-cinnamon-lemongrass mix or ginger-cinnamon-cardamom, but with honey. It is also recommended to boil 1 tsp of ginger in a pint of water and inhale the steam.

-Nose drops made of liquified ghee. About 4 in each nostril.

-Stick to hot water drinks.

-NO dairy. NO cold drinks (as I sip an iced coffee with skim milk ~_~)

-Rest and stay warm as much as possible.

-gentle Sun Salutations

-Breath of Fire and/or Alternate Nostril breathing

And following a kapha SOOTHING diet of light, dry, warm food can only help too.

If only I weren't working today, cuz I'm unfortunately out of a lot of *good* things that would help me accomplish this. Luckily I have tomorrow off, so I'll have to find time to make a nice big pot of kitchari.

And that's your lesson for today!

I Love Too Much

when it comes to World of Warcraft. ^_____^

If I didn't play that game, there'd likely be 29057395 more entries on here, haha.

Yesterday, when I was [not] reading a magazine at work, I came upon a blurb about a memoir-type book that just came out that I could've written. But no, I always assumed my story was not-quite-exciting enough and not something I'm *dying* to share anyway. Then along comes this girl, who's book will probably do very well amongst people dealing with the same thing, now getting interviewed by magazines and I'm sure making a pretty penny off it all.

Travis and I talk about how this type of situation happens ALL the time. Like, why is Marley and Me such a hit? Cuz a lot of people can relate to it, having owned "bad" dogs. All it took was one guy to just bite the bullet and write it all down. Or, another example that was VASTLY more frustrating to me was a bunch of years ago, when this author with no historical background decided to write about her trip across the US, visiting sites related to presidential assassinations. I picked it up a few times in the bookstore and was just appalled at what I read! She may have gotten some facts right but please, spare the so-called analysis! Leave that to those of us who have spent a LOT of time pouring over the historical sources and can place things in a much bigger context. And don't ever, ever insult the turn-of-the-century anarchist movement if you have no idea what you're talking about. v_v heh

Today was a pretty good day off. I spent most of it playing WoW, not gonna lie, haha. For breakfast I just had my last whole grain bagel toasted and then slathered with ghee and honey. Plus coffee. Then Travis and I went to Wakefield and were *going* to go to El Fuego, but surprise-- closed on Mondays! So instead we went to the co-op and I had a small bowl of veggie chili and some yerba mate. My junky snacks for today were 1 small brownie from the mysterious plate that's been on the kitchen table, 1 hollow milk chocolate egg (rather small) and some Jolly Rancher jellybeans. For dinner I was originally going to make a tofu scramble, but then decided to do something simpler. I just mixed together 1 can of solid white albacore tuna, a handful of edamame and 4 asparagus spears, raw, chopped up. I threw in some extra virgin olive oil, salt and pepper and ate it with some blue corn nachoes. Simple and good! I think later tonight I am going to make a smoothie with rice milk, vanilla protein powder, ground flax seeds and some frozen berries. Oh, and mango chunks. We'll see though.

Well, that's it for the moment. See most of you soon!

omgwriting

cuz the WoW server is being a bitch. ;0

I think it's time for the United States to break up. Seriously. It's obvious that the "left" (cuz honestly, the left in this country is not *that* Leftist) and the right/conservatives are not going to be able to work together. I almost hope that Texas is serious about wanting to secede, cuz if it does you can bet that a bunch of other southern states are gonna want to go with it-- and I say fine. We don't need a second Civil War; freaking let them go. Let them create a theocratic land where there are no taxes, no social programs, unrestricted capitalism and everyone can own as many guns of whatever type they please. See what happens.

Watching this country now is like watching a bad relationship where it is so glaringly obvious that the two people are not meant for each other but they keep trying to make it work. It's getting sad.

On any ENTIRELY different note, I'm very much considering doing a 2 weekend mini-yoga teacher training at the end of August, at ATM. I just think it would be a good experience to have under my belt, especially as I think someday I'd like to also do the 200 hour Kripalu yoga teacher training. Luckily I don't have to sign up til July; I'm sure after my Kripalu trip in June I'll be gung ho about it. Right now I have my usual nagging doubts that make me think it's not a good idea.

Well, that's kind of it for the moment. I am so looking forward to my day off tomorrow, words cannot describe. :p

Sorryz Again

I will try to write something today, hopefully before work.

Relax

Just my simple observation for today.

Every so often today, just take a moment and ask yourself "where am I tense?" I know I often hold a lot of tension in my shoulders even when I don't *feel* anxious. Just try it. You'll probably notice something, whether your back, your shoulders, even your jaw. Now, how much better is it if you just relax, even for a moment?

I've been doing this for the past few days, noticing where I feel tense and consciously letting go. I actually started practicing this awhile ago because it's really important for horseback riding. If I try to do a sitting trot without relaxing my lower back, it ends up being bouncy and awkward for me and the horse. If instead I make a conscious effort to release my lower back muscles and take a deep breath, it comes together much easier.

And that's all for now.

Way To Go, Rite Aid

no big surprise, really

I guess they had rallies at stores in MA too.

Too bad these things never happen close by. I'd join the picket line. v_v

More tomorrow.

Sat Nam

Today's been a pretty good day off, though I didn't have any idea it was going to rain. Originally I was going to go break in my new sneakers at Goddard Park with a trail run, but yeah. . .not quite happening!

I went to Dover Saddlery in NK and got a small bucket and a sponge so I can wash Dandy's sweat marks next time I ride (well, assuming it's *warm* out next time I ride). I'm not necessarily judging how they do things at this barn, but I was always, always taught never to put a horse away with sweat marks-- when it dries, especially if under a blanket, it can cause rubs and skin irritations. So, now I've got the means to take care of business. :p

Then I went to Sophie's on the way home and had a medium black hazelnut and about half of a raspberry almond muffin, since half a muffin there is equal to a whole muffin anywhere else. Sheesh, haha. I'm almost done with Living My Life, Part II (aka Emma Goldman's autobiography). I never actually finished reading her autobio back when I was writing my thesis, cuz all the info I needed was in the first half. The second part is really interesting though, if slightly sad, as it has to do with her disillusionment with Russia after its so-called revolution. Instead, the same old beaurocracy is going on, the same persecution of anarchists and dissenters, etc. etc. In fact, she finds herself completely unable to continue with her usual activities there and essentially bounces around Europe for several years, seemingly not allowed to stay in any one country for more than a few months just because of who she was. I often wondered whatEG would say about the current state of things, but after reading this part of her book, I don't think she'd be suprised. Even in the early 1920s she noticed a change in people and a sharp decline in interest in radicalism. ::sigh::

Um, anyway. Then I came home, played WoW and did a short yoga routine. I don't know why, but I just feel very weepy now, after doing that. I think I need to eat something good and grounding for lunch. I know I've been talking oh, not at all about Ayurveda since I started this thing, but I haven't forgotten. ;0

Well, with that said: lunch time! Have a good day!

Rough

Sorry I've not been writing "real" entries lately. Mentally, I've been all over the place. Over the past few days I've been dealing with having the biggest inferiority complex in the world. That in itself is kind of an oxymoron (lol) but it's been true. For instance, I needed to get new running sneakers, as I said. I planned on going to Warwick yesterday and getting them. Well, first of all, I woke up later than I wanted to. By the time I got out of bed, had breakfast and actually got on the road, I was way behind schedule. Luckily I didn't run into any asshole drivers on the way there, because I was certainly in a road rage-y mood. By the time I actually *got* to where I was going, I was in a completely rotten mood. I didn't even feel worthy of spending the money on myself anymore. I went into Barnes and Noble first to maybe calm myself down a bit before looking at sneakers, but it made matters worse. I picked up a new issue of Practical Horseman to read through, but then that made me start feeling bad about how I'm probably NOT going to be able to ride more than once a week this summer.

Long story short, I went into there, Ulta, Dick's (for the sneakers) and finally DSW, found stuff I wanted in each store but left everything empty handed because I just felt like I did not deserve anything and I had better just go home. Luckily I did not have much time to sit around stewing before my riding lesson because that makes it 03954 times worse.

Riding yesterday was super fun because we went into the field across the street and basically cantered around there the whole time. Normally Dandy is such a dead-head, you can literally kick him and he won't go faster than a walk. In the field he actually had some get-up-and-go to him, so it was fun to let him stretch out and run a bit.

So I had a good time riding, but back at home I hit a wall again and felt like crap. When Travis came home from work, we went back to Warwick, had some dinner and then I tried going back for sneakers again. I found some and bought them and all was well.

Today I'm just feeling blah because I have to work from 1-9. There will probably be some stuff to do, but I'm dreading the stupid cigarette vendor that's coming in today. We're supposed to pay him with a money order. . .but I have no idea how that works. We just give him one? Do we ring it up in the register? Since it's going to be close to $1,000, where am I supposed to get that kind of money from?? And of course this is the one day Wayne and Christine aren't going to be there, which means I'm gonna have to end up calling someone because I will not know what to do. And herein lies the rub. . . I could really use one more day off from work per week, but then there automatically goes a small chunk of money. That means LESS money for riding, nevermind everything else. When I get to thinking about it, I feel so trapped and discontent. It's hard even to use my beliefs in, you know, living in the moment and all that because my mind just goes into this grey zone and it's hard to concentrate on anything that might help. That's why riding helps, because it forces you to get out of your head, or else Dandy is going to run towards some trees with low hanging branches and you might end up on the ground, haha.

Well, no matter what happens today, tomorrow is another day off, which is both good and bad. I must plan things to do or else I'll get stuck in a mental rut again (and this is why I wish I had access to a horse whenever. . .riding or even just being around horses would help immensely).

That's all for now.

Addiction

I'm addicted to stuffed sheep.

First was Sheepy, who currently graces my icon picture over there. Then Travis bought me Wooly, a slightly smaller sheep and then the other day at Target they had even *smaller* stuffed sheep, so of course I had to buy one because they were too fricken cute. Its name might just be Baby because it's small and adorable, haha.

Um, anyway. . .lol.

Travis and I might go see real baby sheep at the URI farm today. It's raining out, so hopefully they'll all be in the barn. It's pretty much a tradition for me to stop by and see the lambs once a year or so. Livestock makes me happy. ^__^

Things have been going alright. I've gotten a few runs in and my stamina is coming back nicely. I'm not making any particular goals for myself this year (like all the past years I tried "training" for a 5k. . .never quite happened, lol), just to keep running at least a few times a week. I think I am even going to go buy a new pair of running sneakers on Tuesday because the ones I've been using are *years* old and quite dead by now. I gotta do some research first though, because I want a pair that's good on roads *and* trails, since I enjoy both types of running.

Also this Tuesday. . .I really gotta decide what I want to do regarding riding more than once a week. It's an absolute fact that I can't afford 2 lessons outright, but as there's already quite a few people that work off some of their board/lesson fees, I don't know if they'd be open to one more. All I know is that riding once a week is not enough. I'd be there every day if I could, lol. Oi, maybe I need to start playing Powerball. :p

That's all for now. See most of you soon, I'm sure.

Finally

I'm in a mostly better place.

Actually, I just came back from a run. I was only gone 20 minutes, but I practically ran the entire time which is pretty good for only my second time out this year! I think tomorrow, on my day off, I'm going to go to run on the trail that starts at the Kingston Train Station. hopefully there won't be any dead, mutilated half-bird half-mammal things this time. :/ heh

It's funny that I like running now, because I used to hate it. Back in middle and elementary school I DREADED the mile run. I'd usually just walk most of it cuz I am capable of some pretty fast speed walking. I started running because I wanted to during my freshman year of college. Since I had never been good at running, I felt that improving my ability to do so was an attainable challenge. Since then, I've gone through phases of running frequently or then not at all for long stretches. . .usually starting when it gets cold outside. I thought about joining a gym, so I could at least use indoor cardio machines but when it comes down to putting money towards horses or putting money towards running. . .well, you can guess what wins, haha.

Oh, I finally set up my schedule for the Fall Semester. It looks like this:

Monday
4-6:45 LSC 503 - Collection Management
7-9:45 LSC 502 - Management of Library and Information Services

Tuesday
6:30-9:15 LSC 504 - Reference and Information Services

So guess who's definitely not working Mondays or Tuesdays anymore starting in September. HELL NO am I working in the morning and then being in class til almost 10pm. I already told Wayne cuz I don't even want to HEAR a fuss about this as the fall draws nearer. >_<

Well, that's all for now. Just wanted to write a little entry to tide everyone over. And now, WoW until it's time to go to work. :p

Sorryz

Sorry I've not been around. Well, not posting-wise anyway.

1) I've been busy

2) My mind's been racing, which means I can't concentrate well enough to write a decent entry. Yay Wow. At least it's a good excuse for playing.

3) Or, alternately, I've been depressed, in which case it's also impossible to write. This is when I can get a lot of reading done.

But I realized the other day that I must have forgotten to take my meds a LOT last month because I got them filled on Feb. 19, and I'm only supposed to get a month's worth at a time. . .but here it is, March 24th, and I've got a boatload of pills left.

I'm still not feeling *great*, but at least I've accomplished everything I've needed to do thusfar this week. I can tell all's not 100% right with me today though. . .all I really have to do is go grocery shopping at Whole Foods and go horseback riding later today and I'm positively not wanting to do either of those things. Seriously, that isn't right, lol. So I'm trying to make a deal with myself that I can putter around here til 11 but then I absoltely must get my ass in the car and headed to Cranston. Usually if I give myself small ultimatums like that I can get things done one step at a time. Sucks though.

Well, if I'm feeling better later today, after horseback riding and all else I will maybe be able to write a real entry. No promises though.

Hope you all have a good day!

It Pokes Its Evil Head In And Says

"I'm still here."

It crawls up from my stomach, towards my brain. My mind is what it seeks.

"Working tonight? Perfect."

There's no reasoning with it.

"Too bad, feeling," I try to tell it. "You might not be here by then. I'll be too busy, you'll go away. And why are you here in the first place? I did everything I set out to do this week and I can't think of anything that's going wrong right now. And I plan on having a good dinner tonight, leftover bean soup from yesterday and a whole grain roll. What's your deal?"

"There doesn't have to be a reason," is its reply, and it sends a jolt of adrenaline through my innards as a reminder.

I can only hope this feeling goes away by tonight. Like I've said, sometimes being at work helps improve my mood, and although this isn't exactly a mood problem, maybe it'll help get my mind away from its current train of thought.

You know, sometimes in Buddhism unwholesome states of mind are referred to as "fetters" because they really can act like chains, holding us to harmful thought patterns and actions. Although they recommend dissapating such states through diverting attention, cultivating the opposite quality and reasoning, if all else fails, it's recommended that you "crush" the fetter with all your might. In the words of the Buddha, it's to be "like a strong man might crush a weaker man." (Gunaratana 170) If gritting one's teeth and thinking sharply, "NO!" is what works, then so be it.

So yeah, bad feelings, if you don't go away peacefully I might have to get forceful. We'll see. >_<

Here's What I Ate Today

because you care.

For breakfast I had my usual coffee and then I made a recipe from one of my favorite mags, Clean Eating. . .Pumpkin Pie Oatmeal! It was pretty tasty and very filling. I had it around 9am and it held me over nicely til 12:30. Sweet.

Between going to Whole Foods and lunch, I had a bottle of Sublime Mate and a handful of Annie's Chocolate Chip Bunny graham crackers.

For lunch I had a big lettuce salad with shrimp, avocado and a little bit of sesame oil. Sounds weird, but it tasted good. I was basing this off another recipe I have, but lacked some of the ingredients. . .hence, improvisation, haha.

When I got home from riding I needed a pick-me-up (Dandy was NOT a good boy today) so I had a whole wheat bagel with Nutella and peanut butter. Choice of champions!

Finally, for dinner I had another improvised recipe. . .sauteed tempeh, spinach and yellow squash with olive oil, tamari, chopped garlic and black pepper. I wrapped it all up in 2 whole wheat tortillas and it was quite good, if I say so myself. For dessert later I'll probably have some 0% fat greek yogurt with stuff in it. I pretty much throw together whatever I have to make something edible, lol.

Okay, now off to get my WoW character to level 30 so I can FINALLY get a mount!

Will Write Later

I promise, I've just got some things to do today.

Had to run to Whole Foods for a few items, then I came back home to have lunch and rest for a bit. Then I have to head out around 2, go to the bank, work for my schedule and then I have another riding lesson on Dandy. If you have not seen my pictures yet, get thee to Facebook! They came out well, for the most part. Some pictures (which were NOT posted) were downright bad but what can you expect when you're riding a green horse? He's not picture perfect all the time like the $200,000 horses I rode in Virginia.

Stay tuned!

Calm Before the Storm, Maybe

I know I never wrote about what happened at my Mom's tarot card party, but so far the things the lady predicted have been right. She said I'd receive some important documents within the following two weeks, and I did-- I got my grad school acceptance letter. She said that something I'd have to fill out paperwork wise might seem complicated, to make sure that everything was filled out correctly-- hello, FAFSA. And there were quite a few other things she said about myself in general that were true, eerily so for someone that didn't even know me at all.

But one other thing she said was that I'd be facing a situation later this year that would seem overwhelming and leave me questioning if what I was doing was the right thing and maybe even thinking of backing down. Also, it would have something to do with the number 9-- the 9th of something. Think about this. When does school start? September. September is the 9th month of the year.

I can tell you that I've already begun feeling overwhelmed. I spent some time on the GSLIS website yesterday and I feel like there's just so much to do. Nevermind just classes, there are student associations to join, professional associations to be involved with, potential to do Professional Field Experience (which requires a LOT of preparation), etc. etc. I can feel myself already starting to pull back at the mere thought of it all. And then I start worrying about more mundane things, like whether I'll have to call my advisor or if email will be okay, if she'll still be on sabbatical, meaning I'll have to start with someone else, if she'll be nice or a bitch like my original history advisor (ahem). Just so many worries. I can totally picture myself being overwhelmed come September, wondering if I made the right choice or if I again f'ed up planning for my future.

I just know I'm going to need some extra support as the time gets nearer, probably in the form of more medication and maybe some counceling. I don't know yet.

In other news. . .so I figured out that sitting meditation and I do not go together, haha. This is not much of a surprise. Actually, it's not so bad if I give myself something to meditate on, like the impermanence of the body for example. This is a perfectly legit way of meditating, so I'm not "cheating" or anything. If I just concentrate on the breath, forget it, my mind is in a billion different places. The only time I can do that type of meditation, it seems, is at the end of yoga class during savassana. Maybe it's because by thenI've already expended enough energy that my mind is happy to settle on something so basic!

I had a good ride on Dandy yesterday and Travis was there taking pictures, so I'll be posting those on Facebook soon. ;) He's such a little booger, but I love him. I'd take him home in a heartbeat, haha.

Well, that's all for the moment. I'm working tonight 3-9 and then in the morning, 8-4 I think so I probably won't write again til Tuesday. ~_~

Non-Harming

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe "not being angry" will not be the hardest precept to uphold. Maybe that of non-harming is the most difficult.

For although this precept certainly refers to obvious things like murder or physically hurting other people and living things, oneself is also included in the equation. Furthermore, non-harming does not just encompass physical aspects, but mental and emotional aspects, too. See, one of the other main ideas of Buddhism is the interconnectedness of everything-- there is no separate "Self." So in a way, hurting oneself also negatively effects others. Makes sense if you think about it.

I have a hard time dealing with this in many forms. Thanks to an abundance of candy and chocolate everywhere lately, I've definitely been snacking on junk more often than I think I should. I have a lot of healthy eating magazines and books with good meal plans for those times when I'm really lost, but I'll read them and think "too much work, I'm not worthy," which ultimately leads to more junk food and more bad feelings. Then a few days ago I had my first "slip" in awhile, if you will, and that brought a whole host of physical problems rushing right back, which have been making daily life more painful and annoying.

I know a part of the problem is that my brain is not willing to give up the identity that comes with having that problem yet. It's like an icy hand occasionally grabs all my insides and says "Yo, I'm still here."

So it's obvious that those bad habits hurt myself in a multitude of ways. How do they hurt others? Well, I know for certain that I crawl more into myself and become more introverted and less patient because I don't feel well. That makes me less pleasant to be around. I also have to be a bit secretive which is not good, because I like being generally honest. And I know it hurts Travis because he has been here through the bad times and I know he doesn't want a slip to turn into that again.

But I also think harming myself has an effect on a bigger scale, thanks to that whole interconnected thing. Think of all the people and animals that had a hand in the creation and distribution of that food to you. Think of the fact that your ancestors, parents and even future children are all a part of you right now. Would you treat any of them in the same way? Would you want them to treat themselves that way? Probably not.

Remember, I'm not even asking you to agree with me. This is my point of view. I'm not trying to stuff anything down your throat. This is just one way of looking at things.

And I decided last year that I do not want to be that type of person anymore. I would rather be a role model, a good example than just another one of the masses. I can do this by going back to mindfulness of the present moment. So yeah, I messed up-- that was a few days ago. That moment is over and done with; it is not now. Dwelling is a form of grasping, which as I mentioned before, leads to suffering. In the present moment, all is generally okay. And if I am not happy now, then when? This makes it easier to be compassionate or just plain nicer to people-- non-harming the self, non-harming others. The desire will not even be there.

Yeah, I've got more to say, but it's almost time for work. Woohoo, hah.

Ango Challenge!

I don't always pick up Tricycle magazine because it's a bit pricey, but when I was in Barnes and Noble the other day, I felt compelled to. More succinctly, I felt compelled by the headline: The Big Sit: Tricycle's 90-Day Meditation Challenge.

Sitting meditation is just not my thing. Yeah, I have a lazy streak, but I don't like just sitting around doing nothing. Walking meditation-- that's more like it. But I've always kind of questioned the need to meditate at all. Why not just incorporate mindfulness and the precepts into one's everyday life? Afterall, should at least part of the point of following any religion be that it helps you improve your day to day life? I guess I have always felt that as long as that's true, a meditation practice is superfluous.

But you know me, and I am sometimes drawn to things I don't think I can do. Being confronted with a 90 Day Meditation Challenge sounded like one of those things for sure, haha.

From today (March 2nd) until May 30th, here's what I'll be doing:

-sitting meditation 20 minutes daily (I may start with only 10 minutes for the first few days to ease myself into it)
-listening to one dharma talk each week (Week One's is here)
-studying Dogen's Genjokoan
-committing to the 16 bodhisattva precepts*
-forcing myself to post on the Tricycle community boards, as taking part in a community is supposed to be part of this. yeah.

So I think this is what I'm going to be blogging about. If I get through the 90 days, this might just be a modern miracle, haha.

And with that, I'm going to play some MahJong!




*The 16 Precepts:

The first 3 are also known as the "3 Refuges" or sometimes the 3 Jewels. These verses describe them simply:

I take refuge in the Buddha,
the one who shows me the way in this life.

I take refuge in the Dharma,
the way of understanding and love.

I take refuge in the Sangha,
the community that lives in harmony and awareness. (p 161, Heart of the Buddha's Teaching)

The 3 Pure Precepts:

-Ceasing from evil
-Doing good
-Doing good for others

and the Ten Grave Precepts:

-Non-killing/harming
-Non-stealing
-Not misusing sex
-Not telling lies
-Not using intoxicants/deluding the mind (no more raspberry coladas :( hah)
-Not talking about other's errors and faults
-Not elevating oneself and blaming others
-Not being stingy
-Not being angry (this will be the hardest one)
-Not speaking ill of the 3 Treasures/Refuges/Jewels

I'm sure I'll be discussing these within the next 90 days. . .

Silly Ego

Sorry I've not been writing in here. I've been considering starting a different new blog, but I might just see if I can change a few things on here instead. I don't know. When I have things straightened out, I'll let you guys know.

So, today's story.

Yesterday I started work at 1. It was delivery day, so I figured I knew exactly what I was doing-- aisle 8, cosmetics, a bunch of the medicine aisles and whatever was left. Before I got situated, I talked to Wayne just to see how the day was going thusfar. Apparently a "certain morning cashier" called out that morning, meaning Wayne was by himself until he could finagle a few people from neighboring stores to come in. And on truck day, no less. But that was earlier, and by that time truck was almost done except for some front aisles and the day was actually going smoothly. So, when I was settled I put my vest on and went to work in aisle 8.

After finishing a few totes and being thoroughly lost in thought and in what I was doing, I was interrupted by Wayne and one of the guys from the other store standing at the end of the aisle.
"Put a drawer in already!" my manager exclaimed. I didn't even respond at first because I was like "um, okay." But I figured it was just while the other kid was on his break or something and then I'd get to go back to my aisles.

So I put a drawer in. It was too much of a pain to keep working in aisle 8 while trying to watch the front, so I jumped to aisle 2 instead. To my dismay, it appeared that the guy who had been ringing wasn't going on a break, Wayne had just pulled him onto the floor and sent *me* up front instead. The nerve! This is *my* store, not theirs, and I definitely know where everything is much better (especially when one of the guys started to do cosmetics-- hello, obviously a section I know a little better than they do v_v). Furthermore, I'm a shift, not a cashier, so why is it I feel like I've been ringing more than anything else lately? And then I just didn't appreciate the way I was told to "put a drawer in" without even being told what was going on. Was I going to be stuck up there til 4? Was this only temporary? It would have been nice to know!

I was feeling angry, slighted, insulted, indignant, etc. And to make matters worse, it was just busy enough that it was taking me forever to get aisle 2 put away. I was in a *very* uncharacteristically rotten mood.

But I made myself dissect what I was feeling. In a word, I was agitated. Why was I agitated? Because I was clinging onto my perceptions of how the day should have been with a deathgrip. I like having control of things, routine, etc. but if you think about it even for a moment, it's all an illusion of control. Clinging to anything = suffering. We can influence what will happen in our lives, but there's a hell of a lot that's going to happen that we can't control and trying to fight against that brings unhappiness, like what I was feeling.

I had to very consciously change my perception of what the day was to be like. My job was no longer to do my usual aisles. I had to ring and do aisle 2, the end. I could either keep being pissed about the situation or just accept that fact and allow myself to be content. I like aisle 2, and ringing is usually not that bad. Besides, it was only for a couple of hours. As far as feeling slighted, insulted, etc. that was completely my own ego at work. Wayne was not mad at me, not trying to punish me or anything like that-- it was only my mind, clinging to the idea of what I'm "supposed" to do that made it seem so. When I stopped thinking about what I had expected my day to be like and accepted how my day actually was-- amazing-- I felt a lot better. I was able to be much friendlier to customers and even the workers from the nearby stores who were doing "my" job. And seriously, it's just better not to go around with that knot of bad feelings in one's stomach, you know?

And that was yesterday's mini Buddhist lesson, hah.

It's so nice not to have anything in particular to do today. I spent this week sending the acceptance to my acceptance at URI, filling out FAFSA and calling Kripalu to book our trip (June 9th-12th, CAN'T WAIT), and just doing errands. I had meant to go to yoga this morning but overslept-- oh well, guess my body needed sleep. Next week I will email the department head about setting up an advising appointment and contact both the professors who wrote my recommendations to thank them again. I really didn't want to overtax myself by doing everything this week. My social anxiety still crops up, but if I break things I need to do down into managable bits I can deal.

Well, that's it for now. Hope you all have a good Friday!

Excited and Scared

Oh, the grad school thing. My next step from here is contacting the head of the department who will tell me who I need to go to for advising and all that good stuff. I'm definitely going to email her THIS week, but I think on Tuesday morning I'll go to Sophie's or Brewed for breakfast and I'll sit down with the course book and try to map out a tentative plan and what I want to take. If anything my problem will be narrowing my choices down, but I guess that's something my advisor will help with (hopefully-- hopefully I won't get another asshole like *another* certain professor I can think of V_V). As usual, I have 935747 interests!

In other news, I'm nearly on page 900 of War and Peace, and that means I'm almost done. :( Is it sick that 1000+ pages is somehow not enough for me? haha After this, I will either read The Idiot by Dostoyevsky or a book on Mikhail Bakunin, one of the most radical Russian anarchists. In any case, this is definitely a year for books about Russia or by Russian authors! haha

And now, World of Warcraft!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL! YAAAY!

I have a future!

I've had a good past few days. Been meaning to write, but have been rather busy with this and that (and WoW heh). But I definitely just wanted to share that very important news.

Oh, and go check out my Facebook profile pictures for 2 shots of my Dandy man. He was a pretty good boy today but he did NOT want to canter tracking left. My legs are gonna be so sore tomorrow. :p

Miracle of Miracles

I actually went to a yoga class this morning! haha

It was a good class, straight up vinyasa, so it was a little different from the basic classes I usually take. We didn't do anything crazier than Warrior III , which was fine. As I like to say, horseback riding seems to use all the opposite muscles from yoga, so I'm definitely not as stretchy as I was before I started riding again (and nowhere NEAR as stretchy as I was when I was doing ballet). Towards the end of class, when we were on our sides after Savasana (no, I'm not sure why the dude in the picture has a pillow on his crotch O_o) the teacher asked us to consider how we were going to bless ourselves today. That's it's so much easier to be gentle and understanding of other people, but not ourselves and how we could extend the self-care of our morning class to the whole day.

I counted on today being a "me" day, because this week's been a little rough. Yesterday, I felt like a hand was gripping all my organs, pulling me back and telling me that I was not free yet, that it will figure out a way to weasle back into my life. My old problems like to do that from time to time, even though I've been obstensibly healthier for awhile now.

I don't need to punish myself anymore.

I used to be angry at my introversion, but now I've learned to live with it. I've been taking more active steps to get out there with people, even if it's scary and I hate it. It usually works out alright.

I used to be angry that I have a lot of interests and a hard time concentrating on one thing. But now I feel like I have that many more options, if perchance the Library thing doesn't work out.

I still have a hard time appreciating that I'm healthy. Before, I didn't really cared if anything happened to me because if I got some time out of life to go to the hospital or whatnot, so much the better. I needed the time off, away from everything. But I am pretty okay with where I am now. In any case, I've done all I can regarding my future until I hear from URI. Only once I know their decision can I plan my next step. But I have a place to live, a job that's okay, a good relationship, people to talk to, I am riding horses, etc. etc. There's really nothing for me to be upset about, I think I'm just so used to feeling crappy, it's weird not to.

But I like the fact that I am a strong person and I can usually do things I set out to do. I used to think that I was being strong by systematically destroying myself but now that I look around and see other people stressing over the same things, I realize that it's nothing to be envious of at all. In fact I just kind of feel bad for people stuck in that rut. Maybe someday I would like to write down the story of my past 10 or so years, and how much better to finally say I FREAKING BEAT THE THING than to say "so I went back to doing what I was doing." Not a lot of people can recover on their own, but I basically have and *that* is something that is admirable.

I try to keep this in mind, but it's all easier said than done.

Well, please excuse the babble. I know I said I'd write about my Mom's tarot card party, and I'm sure I will but I felt like typing all these thoughts in my head somewhere. Now it's time for Warcraft. :p

Finally, A Moment

God, the past few days have been :p. And not a funny :p either, more like a long, drawn out blaaaah.

Monday, worked 8-5. Or really, 7:30-5 cuz that's when I have to get there. I rang from 12 to 5, which is a lot more than I'm used to. It wasn't too bad though; I kept busy checking the register candy for outdates.

Tuesday morning, I was there at 7:30 as usual. Around 7:40, the phone rang. Sure enough, my cashier was calling out with a "sore throat," which meant I was going to be by myself til noon. GREAT. There's always a lot for a manager to do on a Tuesday morning too, between vendors and magazines, so I was not looking forward to a great morning. Called Wayne a little before 8 to tell him what was up and that I'd try calling some people to see if anyone could come in for a few hours. He said okay, and that he'd try to be there around 10. Unfortunately, everyone was either busy or unreachable, so I was indeed by my lonesome til 10:30ish. LUCKILY it was dead and my only vendor randomly came in by the front door, so I had plenty of time to just look for more candy outdates. I had to keep ringing until 4 though, even after Wayne got there because there was still no other cashier. Believe me when I say I sympathize with you guys who have to ring all shift-- it sucks. :p haha

By Wednesday morning, I was in no mood to be there again. Luckily my cashier showed up, and even better my shift ended at 1 anyway. It was a very easy day that just flew by, which was definitely the kind of shift I needed.

Maybe to make up for my shitty week at work, my riding lesson yesterday was great. It was so freaking NICE and WARM outside that I didn't need to bundle up in 95948 layers. I would have loved to ride outside, but unfortunately the outdoor areana is one big mud pit right now. Oh well, I'll take a few weeks of mud as long as there's no more snow and ice! Dandy was a stupendous boy. . . SO much better than last week, which is good because he simply had an off day and did not, in fact, forget all his training O_o;;. Seeing as the horses are supposed to be outside again (if the weather stays nice) I might try to sneak over to the barn on a free day and take some pictures of my beastie. Yeah, listen to me talk as though I own him-- since when does Rite Aid pay that well? lol

Speaking of RA, did any of you guys see the list somewhere online that mentioned it as one of the companies not expected to make it through 2009? I'll try to dig it up. . .
Hooray for college! (er, hopefully. . .)

There are a few other things I want to do before work today, so I'm ending this here. Remind me next time to write about my Mom's tarot card party. The lady was pretty accurate, except for one big thing. v_v But I think that's been straightened out, haha.

Til next time!

25 Things

1. I have a Snuggy (Snuggie?). I am wearing it right now. :p

2.When I was younger I used to keep Japanese beetles as pets. Leaves, blueberries and a little bit of water is all they need. I had one for a whole 2 weeks, but I felt bad and let him go.

3. Occasionally I listen to Christian talk radio in the car. I'm not Christian, but I find it interesting and sometimes a little concerning.

4. Actually, I've been interested in religions for a long time. At different points in my life, I have considered myself: Catholic, an atheist, Wiccan, LaVeyan Satanist, Hellenistic Pagan, agnostic, Buddhist. And I used to attend a Methodist church when I was dating Rich, which I actually did not mind. If I were going to be Christian, that would be my denomination of choice.

5. I love buffalo. I don't know why. I have about a trillion stuffed bison, model bison, bison trinkets, etc. Sometimes I think I may have been a Native American in a past life, between that and how I've always loved horses, too. . .especially Appaloosas, which were started by the Nez Perce indians. :p

6. Don't think I get angry? Don't ever drive with me for any length of time. I've had horrific road rage for years, although it's gotten better lately. We're talking, if someone passed me on a 2 lane road, I'd chase them no matter how fast they were going, high beams on, blaring my horn, yelling out the window, etc. That happened on several occasions. I'm not sure my ire towards asshole drivers will ever disappear completely.

7. I hated college. My life fell apart while I was in Tennessee, hit rock bottom in Virginia, and then was a constant roller coaster while at URI. It's too much to get into, but I spent the better part of those 6.5 years being unhealthy and unhappy. High school wasn't *amazing* but at least I had some kind of direction and self-worth.

8. I can play the electric bass a little bit. I can play a bunch of Green Day songs, The Clash songs, some Weezer. . I don't know. I haven't even picked up the thing in awhile.

9. I want to learn to speak Tagalog aka the language of the Phillippines. I just like the name and the fact that "ng" is a word.

10. I'm reading War and Peace and I f'ing love it. I'll probably read it again someday, it's that good.

11. It's a bit ironic, but I am an emetophobe (fear of vomiting). I've never had a stomach virus in my entire life and I'm absolutely terrified of someday getting one. If I know I've been around someone that's been sick, I pretty much scald my hands and then douse them in Purell to keep from catching it.

12. I don't like kids and I never, ever want any. It doesn't matter if they are babies or toddlers or even older than that. I don't know what to say to or do with them. If I ever got pregnant, I would absolutely have an abortion because I don't want to go through any of the shit that comes with being pregnant, nevermind actually giving birth.

13. Even when *I* was a kid, I didn't like playing with dolls or anything like that. I remember my parents asked if I wanted a little brother or sister and I adamantly said NO, haha. I've always loved horses though and animals in general, so I'm not a complete monster. :p

14. I've been thisclose to starting my own little soap and bath stuff business several times over the past few years. But I always get discouraged and don't think my stuff is that good, so I always back down.

15. I love fashion, models, that whole bit. My favorite designers are Marc Jacobs, Alexander McQueen and John Galliano. Cant go wrong with anything from Dior, either. Prada always has great purses, though they cost the equivalent to what I make in a year. :p And I consider the Kate Spade scarf I got for $20 at a thrift shop in Boston to be one of my best purchses ever.

16. I love anarchism as a theory (and if you think I'm talking about mass chaos and destruction GO READ A FRICKEN BOOK ON THE SUBJECT v_v), but I know it would never be possible in reality.

17. Therefore, I believe that if we must have a government, then it be one that helps that its citizens lead better lives. . .and not just the wealthy. I definitely lead towards socialism (and if you think I'm talking about something akin to Stalin's Russia GO READ ANOTHER FRICKEN BOOK) and completely despise capitalism.

18. I have a stick collection. Yeah, when I'm walking outside or in the park or whatever, if I feel a special affinity for a stick I come across, I keep it.

19. I normally don't care about cars, but I am in love with Mini Coopers. I die a little inside every time someone drives by me in one.

20. I love Air Supply in a "they're so campy/awful/sappy they're great" way, haha.

21. I don't really care for technology, to a certain point. Cell phone? Good for emergencies, but I don't need it on me 24/7. In fact, I go whole days without turning my on, sometimes. MP3 player? I have one, but when I'm puttering around the house, I prefer my good ol' Discman. Don't get me wrong, I think the Internet is great, but I just don't like how everything is becoming digitized and. . .not physical these days. I'm especially bothered by the Kindle. If they ever stop producing books, I am gonna *start* my own commune somewhere, haha.

22. I am 100% Italian. I would love to go to Italy someday and visit the towns my family originated from (Itri, between Rome and Naples on the west coast and Bari, on the east coast).

23. I like collecting women's magazines from the 1920s and 30s. I also enjoy collecting old cookbooks and old books on things I'm interested in historically, such as the one I have on the Spanish American War from just a few years after it ended. Antique shops = lots of fun.

24. I'm gonna be really sad when Angela Lansbury dies.

25. I'm not tagging anyone cuz I don't freaking want to. a) I don't even talk to 25 people and b) most of you all who have read this have already done it! THE END

Vroom Vroom

Before I start this entry, I just want to apologize for the fact that I am an awful replier to comments. I've been that way ever since I've had a blog, which goes back to 2000 or so! ;p But do know that I read and appreciate each and every comment I get on here, on AIM, on Facebook, wherever. ^__^

Yesterday I had a craptastic riding lesson. I've been riding the same horse for a few weeks now-- Dandy, a cute palomino gelding-- and with every passing week, he kept getting better and better. See, when they got Dandy, he was extremely out of shape, overweight and just not very well trained. The first time I rode him, I literally had to kick him to get him to go anywhere, he wouldn't bend at ALL in the direction we were going, and getting him to canter even a few strides was a literal process. But as I said, every week I rode him, he began to improve. The last time I rode him (before yesterday), we had some VERY nice circles and his cantering work was 290594 times better-- we even made it 3 times around the ring both ways, without stopping!

Yesterday was a different story. I feel like we took a billion steps backwards, and I seriously hope that is NOT the case. I knew he was going to be a "joy" from the moment I brought him in the ring-- I could barely stop him to pull down the stirrups and prepare to get on him, he just wanted to keep walking. And then as soon as I did get on him, he wanted to trot straightaway-- forget walking. His bending was again nonexistant, he kept doing funky things with his head to evade the bit, and every time one of the other horses in the ring passed him he wanted to speed up to meet them. To make matters worse, the ring was very dusty since there were 3 of us riding and I think that was making him a little spooky-- every time one of the horses so much as kicked up a stone, I could feel him get all tense. And what was embarrassing for me was that a girl who's new to the barn was watching me ride and I know this couldn't have made a good impression on her. :/

It just sucked because I KNOW Dandy can behave and be really good. I think if we had been alone in the ring, he probably would have been awesome. We did have a *few* good circles and he had some decent canter transitions, but the majority of the time he was just so distracted. Not to lay all the blame on him, but I know that because he was so "up" I was not as relaxed as I could be, and that's a vicious circle right there, since horses are so tuned in to how their rider is feeling. My instructor said I did well with him, but it's just so hard to agree when we've had much better weeks. I guess that's part of working with a green horse though, right?

And it was kind of funny, because I think Dandy knew he had been a brat. I brought a few treats for him, but I only gave him one before my lesson telling him he had to earn the rest. Afterwards, I was in no rush to give him the rest, but before I left I went to go visit him back in his stall and figured I'd give him the treats then. Do you know that he was reluctant to take them? It was like he understood that he was supposed to behave in order to get them. :P (Oh, and it's not that he didn't like the treats-- he kept trying to sniff at my pockets where I had them the whole time I was getting him ready, haha).

So, that was yesterday. Today I get to work for 3954 hours, but it's truck day so it should be alright.

The Word For the Past Few Days

was DWELLING.

You already know some of it. You know I was upset about old feelings cropping up, having to do with lonliness and starting to worry about what I was eating. Then I read something alluding to me online (thanks, Facebook) that hurt me quite a bit. It was especially bad timing because Travis and I are coming up on "that" anniversary, aka the one when my other two serious, long-term relationships basically ended. There's NO reason to think that something would happen in the next few days that would cause some kind of horrific, irreconcilable rift between us (seriously. . .what? haha) but I know there's a part of my mind that is a little. . .off.

So I went around being all grumpy and not-very-talkative and just feeling my mind being swamped in this stew of nastiness. When it gets like this, it's very hard for me to articulate *what* I'm feeling, which is why it's easier not to say anything.

I hate to say it, but 9 times out of 10, what gets me out of my head is going to work. It's not that I love ol' RA, but it at least gives me something else to do and offers plenty of opportunities for just being present with what's happening at the moment and practicing equanimity and sometimes even friendliness.

And so, between the time I ate breakfast and when I actually left the office to do stuff, that's when I had my "dwelling epiphany." So much of what was bothering me was tied to who I used to be, which is quite a different beast from what I am now. I worked so hard last year at becoming a better caretaker to myself, but all because of some things that reminded me of the past, I was almost ready to throw in the towel again.

But when I stopped and looked at the present moment, I saw that things were going pretty well. I had just finished eating a healthy breakfast. Everyone had showed up that was supposed to. People had been pleasant so far. I even felt okay about the snow, because that probably meant it would be a quiet day, and I prefer that by far (and there was actually stuff to do, so we wouldn't be bored). There was really nothing to be upset about at that moment. As the day went on, I continued to feel happier and by the time I left, I was basically back to normal.

Since no state of mind is premanent, I know I'll probably feel down about the aforementioned things again, but at least now I've had experiences like this one, when I've been able to actively guide myself in a better direction. It's so important to be able to do this, but easier said then done sometimes.

There is more I was hoping to write, but I need to do a few things today before it gets too late. And I have a riding lesson later, so I don't have all day. :p

The only other thing I want to say right now is to please feel thankful for all that you do have, especially with the way the economy's been. I live right near one of the area's food pantries and it seems like every week the crowd there gets bigger and bigger. Today I drove past at 9am or so and there was already a crowd at the door and a line down the parking lot. There were so many cars that people had to park in the church lot right next door. Things should not be this way in this country and I can only hope that this administration can start making some changes that will actually do *good* for once. I know, I know, it's a way long, complicated thing that I could write an entire entry on, but just please keep all the people who have less than you do in your thoughts. Any one of us could find ourselves in that predicament very easily, so let's practice compassion instead of feelings of superiority.

::yawn::

Yeah, sue me. I took a few days off.

I've been unexpectedly dealing with some shit feelings rising up again, suddenly. I think part of it is I am sick to DEATH of the people I know who keep going on and on and on about their annoying diets, and I'd like to think it doesn't bother me, but maybe it does. Yesterday was the first time I forever that I did NOT want to eat my lunch because I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out. I ate anyway (god, it was just miso soup with soba noodles, snap peas and hummus and a little pack of dark chocolate peanut M&Ms), and it was fine, but it's like. . .I don't need that again.

And secondly, I've been dealing with feelings of sucking at friendship again. I admit: I'm an awful friend, which is probably why I can count the ones I have on one hand. Half a hand, really. This, in turn makes my anger rise not just towards other people, but towards myself for my own failures and THAT contributes to The Problem Alluded At Above and it's just this vicous, awful cycle that needs to be broken NOW.

I've been trying to make today a good/better day. I drove to the bookstore and spent a lot of time there, browsing through books and magazines. Then I drove to Sophie's and had some tea and wrote in my notebook. Now I'm probably just going to play World of Warcraft for 38593 hours, and maybe later I'll go to yoga class because I kinda need it today.

So, I'm sorry that this entry is such a downer. I'm working on it.

Amazing

So, you know, I've been kinda pissed at myself because I haven't been incorporating yoga into my day like I want to. To make matters worse, I even have a yoga pass for All That Matters, so I can go to any class I want, whenever. For the past few days, I planned on going to a 9:30 yoga class at least once. Both mornings, I woke up and knew I'd much rather be doing my usual eat-breakfast-have-coffee-do-crosswords routine then getting dolled up for yoga class. So I ditched going to class and then spent the rest of the day feeling bad about it.

Today was the same deal. 9:30 class, woke up with plenty of time to spare, decided I'd rather not. At first I sat down at my computer, with my yogurt/pumpkin/granola concoction and my coffee and guiltily did my first crossword, wondering why I even bothered getting the freaking yoga pass.

So I kinda stepped back mentally and said what the hell. Why was I avoiding yoga so much, or was it something else entirely? And then that tiny, smart voice that sometimes makes an appearance said "why don't you just deal with the fact that you like having mornings to do whatever and simply go to evening classes instead?"

Seriously.

I felt better almost immediately.

I am so used to telling myself "you've got to do this and if you don't everything is going to be ruined and awful." I am so used to feeling like I've absolutely got to live up to certain expectations or else I am failing in the eyes of whoever is paying attention. Just the simple act of realizing that I CAN break what I "planned" to do and that the world won't end because of it is pretty radical for me. There's nothing wrong with me wanting my mornings free, that's just how I am. In fact, realizing that means that I can plan accordingly. Maybe instead of riding in the afternoon, I can ride in the morning (around 11) and then I'll definitely have time for other stuff in the evening. That is something I would be more willing to do.

Another thing that's interesting is that I have been craving more salads and crunchy, raw foods lately-- which are the exact opposite from what my dosha ought to have. Those foods *are* considered good for kapha, which has the qualities of heaviness, laziness and inertia, which kinda describes how I've been feeling mentally for a few days. :p Maybe actually listening to my internal cues and eating what my body wants to eat is helping me make these other revelations too. I believe that body and mind are interconnected, so it would make sense.

Well, that's all I have for now. Hope you all have a good day!

For the Horde!

j/k

Kind of.

hehe

So yesterday was a good day all around. Travis and I drove to CT and I FINALLY found out what happened to my saddle.

Last May I decided that even if I started riding again, I was not going to want my old saddle. It was in good condition, but just not what I wanted anymore. So, I brought it to a tack shop in CT and put it on consignment.

Months passed and I didn't hear anything. Then one day I got a call: some people were interested in my saddle, but would I be willing to lower the price? That was fine with me.

Awhile more passed. . .nothing. This is when I was just beginning lessons, so I was going back and forth to the tack shop quite a few times. One time I went and didn't see my saddle anywhere, so I asked if it had been sold afterall. At first the woman couldn't find any of the papers regarding my saddle, which was a bit alarming. Finally she realized that someone was trying my saddle at the moment, hence its absence. Again, if these people might take it, fine by me.

I went back, probably a week later, to get different half-chaps and check up on things. This time the woman said that the people bought my saddle, so I could be expecting a check as soon as theirs cleared. Sweet. Let's keep in mind, this was October.

Months passed, with no call and no check. I was left wondering if it had gotten lost in the mail, or if the people had decided not to buy it, etc. etc. I wanted to go there and person to find out what the deal was, but as this place is in CT, past Foxwoods, it's a bit of hike. Things kept coming up, and I just never found the time to go there.

Well, yesterday was that day.

The verdict?

They just plain forgot to send me a check. ~_~

But they wrote me one right there, so I now have another nice chunk of change to divide up and use wisely. Just wish it had happened sooner. :p

I also had a pretty good first day of trying to get myself back on track. If you're not interested in the details, just read the bold stuff.

I have nothing in the house for breakfast, so all I could scrounge up was a bowl of Puffins cereal and some coffee. Before we left for CT, I had a slice of leftover pizza, with most of the cold cheese pulled off and tossed. I don't like the rubbery feeling. x_x After the tack shop, we stopped at Applebee's in Westerly, and I had an Oriental Grilled Chicken Salad, which was good and thankfully NOT slathered in salad dressing. But it might as well been drowning in dressing, because Travis and I split a chocolate chip cookie sundae. Oh well, that was my outright junk for the day. ^__^

Later that night I made a big batch of vegetarian chili, using soy ground beef, kidney beans, canned tomatoes and tomato paste. I seasoned it with oregano, cumin, onion powder, garlic, cayenne pepper and some red pepper flakes for good measure. I wasn't really following a recipe (except for some ideas about the spices to use), but amazingly it came out REALLY tasty! I had a big bowl of that with a salad of spinach, sliced beets, olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Mmm mmm mm. And finally, for dessert later that night I had my usual apple dish-- a sliced apple heated with ghee, cinnamon, nutmeg and cardamom seeds. So fricken good, haha.

So it wasn't the *best* day ever, but miles ahead of the way I've been eating lately.

And I guess that's it. I have to get in SOME world of warcraft before work. :p

Please Press Reset

That's kinda how I feel right now. Like I wish there was a reset button for my life when I can feel that maybe, here and there, I'm starting to slip. Easier said than done though.

I'm getting more nervous about my various aches and pains, which I'm not 100% sure anymore are being caused by my pinched nerve. I've been eating like crap recently, lots of empty carbs and coffee and sugary stuff. I've had next to no vegetables for days now, which is awful. It's just so hard to motivate myself right now. . .I mean, I bought stuff to make several good meals but have I? No. I could have made something tonight for instance, but instead I opted for pizza. I guess that's okay though, because I didn't have a real lunch. . .just a protein bar and diet moutain dew. Yay.

I think I was a little frustrated because everyone I worked with today is seemingly obsessed with talking about how much and what they eat. It gets so TIRING after awhile. One of them asked if I thought eating a small grilled chicken sandwich from D'Angelos was "too much." Of course I said "no," because it's NOT but I had half a mind to be like "please, you don't even KNOW what it's like to eat 'too much.'" Eating too much is finishing whole bags of nachos and jars of salsa at a time, then having 2 packets of Ramen noodles or Easy Mac, then a whole container of applesauce, some pudding cups and *still* going out for donuts. Too much is eating whole boxes of cereal at a time. Too much is eating so many cookies before bed you feel hungover the next morning. I don't think I need to go on.

It just sucks having to listen to other people bitch about this all the time because I wish I could be honest about what I've gone through, but I can't. All I can say, and sometimes I do, is that it really is much easier and much more sensible to eat what you want, mostly healthy food but some junk too, and try not to worry about it. The idea of it is more daunting than anything.

But I digress. Don't even know where I'm going with this, just felt like venting. I will try, really try to get myself back on track this weekend, if anything because eating better might help me feel better.

Well, back to reading War and Peace. Tomorrow I might actually go to CT and find out what happened to my saddle. . .