Sorry I've not been writing in here. I've been considering starting a different new blog, but I might just see if I can change a few things on here instead. I don't know. When I have things straightened out, I'll let you guys know.
So, today's story.
Yesterday I started work at 1. It was delivery day, so I figured I knew exactly what I was doing-- aisle 8, cosmetics, a bunch of the medicine aisles and whatever was left. Before I got situated, I talked to Wayne just to see how the day was going thusfar. Apparently a "certain morning cashier" called out that morning, meaning Wayne was by himself until he could finagle a few people from neighboring stores to come in. And on truck day, no less. But that was earlier, and by that time truck was almost done except for some front aisles and the day was actually going smoothly. So, when I was settled I put my vest on and went to work in aisle 8.
After finishing a few totes and being thoroughly lost in thought and in what I was doing, I was interrupted by Wayne and one of the guys from the other store standing at the end of the aisle.
"Put a drawer in already!" my manager exclaimed. I didn't even respond at first because I was like "um, okay." But I figured it was just while the other kid was on his break or something and then I'd get to go back to my aisles.
So I put a drawer in. It was too much of a pain to keep working in aisle 8 while trying to watch the front, so I jumped to aisle 2 instead. To my dismay, it appeared that the guy who had been ringing wasn't going on a break, Wayne had just pulled him onto the floor and sent *me* up front instead. The nerve! This is *my* store, not theirs, and I definitely know where everything is much better (especially when one of the guys started to do cosmetics-- hello, obviously a section I know a little better than they do v_v). Furthermore, I'm a shift, not a cashier, so why is it I feel like I've been ringing more than anything else lately? And then I just didn't appreciate the way I was told to "put a drawer in" without even being told what was going on. Was I going to be stuck up there til 4? Was this only temporary? It would have been nice to know!
I was feeling angry, slighted, insulted, indignant, etc. And to make matters worse, it was just busy enough that it was taking me forever to get aisle 2 put away. I was in a *very* uncharacteristically rotten mood.
But I made myself dissect what I was feeling. In a word, I was agitated. Why was I agitated? Because I was clinging onto my perceptions of how the day should have been with a deathgrip. I like having control of things, routine, etc. but if you think about it even for a moment, it's all an illusion of control. Clinging to anything = suffering. We can influence what will happen in our lives, but there's a hell of a lot that's going to happen that we can't control and trying to fight against that brings unhappiness, like what I was feeling.
I had to very consciously change my perception of what the day was to be like. My job was no longer to do my usual aisles. I had to ring and do aisle 2, the end. I could either keep being pissed about the situation or just accept that fact and allow myself to be content. I like aisle 2, and ringing is usually not that bad. Besides, it was only for a couple of hours. As far as feeling slighted, insulted, etc. that was completely my own ego at work. Wayne was not mad at me, not trying to punish me or anything like that-- it was only my mind, clinging to the idea of what I'm "supposed" to do that made it seem so. When I stopped thinking about what I had expected my day to be like and accepted how my day actually was-- amazing-- I felt a lot better. I was able to be much friendlier to customers and even the workers from the nearby stores who were doing "my" job. And seriously, it's just better not to go around with that knot of bad feelings in one's stomach, you know?
And that was yesterday's mini Buddhist lesson, hah.
It's so nice not to have anything in particular to do today. I spent this week sending the acceptance to my acceptance at URI, filling out FAFSA and calling Kripalu to book our trip (June 9th-12th, CAN'T WAIT), and just doing errands. I had meant to go to yoga this morning but overslept-- oh well, guess my body needed sleep. Next week I will email the department head about setting up an advising appointment and contact both the professors who wrote my recommendations to thank them again. I really didn't want to overtax myself by doing everything this week. My social anxiety still crops up, but if I break things I need to do down into managable bits I can deal.
Well, that's it for now. Hope you all have a good Friday!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Excited and Scared
Oh, the grad school thing. My next step from here is contacting the head of the department who will tell me who I need to go to for advising and all that good stuff. I'm definitely going to email her THIS week, but I think on Tuesday morning I'll go to Sophie's or Brewed for breakfast and I'll sit down with the course book and try to map out a tentative plan and what I want to take. If anything my problem will be narrowing my choices down, but I guess that's something my advisor will help with (hopefully-- hopefully I won't get another asshole like *another* certain professor I can think of V_V). As usual, I have 935747 interests!
In other news, I'm nearly on page 900 of War and Peace, and that means I'm almost done. :( Is it sick that 1000+ pages is somehow not enough for me? haha After this, I will either read The Idiot by Dostoyevsky or a book on Mikhail Bakunin, one of the most radical Russian anarchists. In any case, this is definitely a year for books about Russia or by Russian authors! haha
And now, World of Warcraft!
In other news, I'm nearly on page 900 of War and Peace, and that means I'm almost done. :( Is it sick that 1000+ pages is somehow not enough for me? haha After this, I will either read The Idiot by Dostoyevsky or a book on Mikhail Bakunin, one of the most radical Russian anarchists. In any case, this is definitely a year for books about Russia or by Russian authors! haha
And now, World of Warcraft!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL! YAAAY!
I have a future!
I've had a good past few days. Been meaning to write, but have been rather busy with this and that (and WoW heh). But I definitely just wanted to share that very important news.
Oh, and go check out my Facebook profile pictures for 2 shots of my Dandy man. He was a pretty good boy today but he did NOT want to canter tracking left. My legs are gonna be so sore tomorrow. :p
I have a future!
I've had a good past few days. Been meaning to write, but have been rather busy with this and that (and WoW heh). But I definitely just wanted to share that very important news.
Oh, and go check out my Facebook profile pictures for 2 shots of my Dandy man. He was a pretty good boy today but he did NOT want to canter tracking left. My legs are gonna be so sore tomorrow. :p
Friday, February 13, 2009
Miracle of Miracles
I actually went to a yoga class this morning! haha
It was a good class, straight up vinyasa, so it was a little different from the basic classes I usually take. We didn't do anything crazier than Warrior III , which was fine. As I like to say, horseback riding seems to use all the opposite muscles from yoga, so I'm definitely not as stretchy as I was before I started riding again (and nowhere NEAR as stretchy as I was when I was doing ballet). Towards the end of class, when we were on our sides after Savasana (no, I'm not sure why the dude in the picture has a pillow on his crotch O_o) the teacher asked us to consider how we were going to bless ourselves today. That's it's so much easier to be gentle and understanding of other people, but not ourselves and how we could extend the self-care of our morning class to the whole day.
I counted on today being a "me" day, because this week's been a little rough. Yesterday, I felt like a hand was gripping all my organs, pulling me back and telling me that I was not free yet, that it will figure out a way to weasle back into my life. My old problems like to do that from time to time, even though I've been obstensibly healthier for awhile now.
I don't need to punish myself anymore.
I used to be angry at my introversion, but now I've learned to live with it. I've been taking more active steps to get out there with people, even if it's scary and I hate it. It usually works out alright.
I used to be angry that I have a lot of interests and a hard time concentrating on one thing. But now I feel like I have that many more options, if perchance the Library thing doesn't work out.
I still have a hard time appreciating that I'm healthy. Before, I didn't really cared if anything happened to me because if I got some time out of life to go to the hospital or whatnot, so much the better. I needed the time off, away from everything. But I am pretty okay with where I am now. In any case, I've done all I can regarding my future until I hear from URI. Only once I know their decision can I plan my next step. But I have a place to live, a job that's okay, a good relationship, people to talk to, I am riding horses, etc. etc. There's really nothing for me to be upset about, I think I'm just so used to feeling crappy, it's weird not to.
But I like the fact that I am a strong person and I can usually do things I set out to do. I used to think that I was being strong by systematically destroying myself but now that I look around and see other people stressing over the same things, I realize that it's nothing to be envious of at all. In fact I just kind of feel bad for people stuck in that rut. Maybe someday I would like to write down the story of my past 10 or so years, and how much better to finally say I FREAKING BEAT THE THING than to say "so I went back to doing what I was doing." Not a lot of people can recover on their own, but I basically have and *that* is something that is admirable.
I try to keep this in mind, but it's all easier said than done.
Well, please excuse the babble. I know I said I'd write about my Mom's tarot card party, and I'm sure I will but I felt like typing all these thoughts in my head somewhere. Now it's time for Warcraft. :p
It was a good class, straight up vinyasa, so it was a little different from the basic classes I usually take. We didn't do anything crazier than Warrior III , which was fine. As I like to say, horseback riding seems to use all the opposite muscles from yoga, so I'm definitely not as stretchy as I was before I started riding again (and nowhere NEAR as stretchy as I was when I was doing ballet). Towards the end of class, when we were on our sides after Savasana (no, I'm not sure why the dude in the picture has a pillow on his crotch O_o) the teacher asked us to consider how we were going to bless ourselves today. That's it's so much easier to be gentle and understanding of other people, but not ourselves and how we could extend the self-care of our morning class to the whole day.
I counted on today being a "me" day, because this week's been a little rough. Yesterday, I felt like a hand was gripping all my organs, pulling me back and telling me that I was not free yet, that it will figure out a way to weasle back into my life. My old problems like to do that from time to time, even though I've been obstensibly healthier for awhile now.
I don't need to punish myself anymore.
I used to be angry at my introversion, but now I've learned to live with it. I've been taking more active steps to get out there with people, even if it's scary and I hate it. It usually works out alright.
I used to be angry that I have a lot of interests and a hard time concentrating on one thing. But now I feel like I have that many more options, if perchance the Library thing doesn't work out.
I still have a hard time appreciating that I'm healthy. Before, I didn't really cared if anything happened to me because if I got some time out of life to go to the hospital or whatnot, so much the better. I needed the time off, away from everything. But I am pretty okay with where I am now. In any case, I've done all I can regarding my future until I hear from URI. Only once I know their decision can I plan my next step. But I have a place to live, a job that's okay, a good relationship, people to talk to, I am riding horses, etc. etc. There's really nothing for me to be upset about, I think I'm just so used to feeling crappy, it's weird not to.
But I like the fact that I am a strong person and I can usually do things I set out to do. I used to think that I was being strong by systematically destroying myself but now that I look around and see other people stressing over the same things, I realize that it's nothing to be envious of at all. In fact I just kind of feel bad for people stuck in that rut. Maybe someday I would like to write down the story of my past 10 or so years, and how much better to finally say I FREAKING BEAT THE THING than to say "so I went back to doing what I was doing." Not a lot of people can recover on their own, but I basically have and *that* is something that is admirable.
I try to keep this in mind, but it's all easier said than done.
Well, please excuse the babble. I know I said I'd write about my Mom's tarot card party, and I'm sure I will but I felt like typing all these thoughts in my head somewhere. Now it's time for Warcraft. :p
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Finally, A Moment
God, the past few days have been :p. And not a funny :p either, more like a long, drawn out blaaaah.
Monday, worked 8-5. Or really, 7:30-5 cuz that's when I have to get there. I rang from 12 to 5, which is a lot more than I'm used to. It wasn't too bad though; I kept busy checking the register candy for outdates.
Tuesday morning, I was there at 7:30 as usual. Around 7:40, the phone rang. Sure enough, my cashier was calling out with a "sore throat," which meant I was going to be by myself til noon. GREAT. There's always a lot for a manager to do on a Tuesday morning too, between vendors and magazines, so I was not looking forward to a great morning. Called Wayne a little before 8 to tell him what was up and that I'd try calling some people to see if anyone could come in for a few hours. He said okay, and that he'd try to be there around 10. Unfortunately, everyone was either busy or unreachable, so I was indeed by my lonesome til 10:30ish. LUCKILY it was dead and my only vendor randomly came in by the front door, so I had plenty of time to just look for more candy outdates. I had to keep ringing until 4 though, even after Wayne got there because there was still no other cashier. Believe me when I say I sympathize with you guys who have to ring all shift-- it sucks. :p haha
By Wednesday morning, I was in no mood to be there again. Luckily my cashier showed up, and even better my shift ended at 1 anyway. It was a very easy day that just flew by, which was definitely the kind of shift I needed.
Maybe to make up for my shitty week at work, my riding lesson yesterday was great. It was so freaking NICE and WARM outside that I didn't need to bundle up in 95948 layers. I would have loved to ride outside, but unfortunately the outdoor areana is one big mud pit right now. Oh well, I'll take a few weeks of mud as long as there's no more snow and ice! Dandy was a stupendous boy. . . SO much better than last week, which is good because he simply had an off day and did not, in fact, forget all his training O_o;;. Seeing as the horses are supposed to be outside again (if the weather stays nice) I might try to sneak over to the barn on a free day and take some pictures of my beastie. Yeah, listen to me talk as though I own him-- since when does Rite Aid pay that well? lol
Speaking of RA, did any of you guys see the list somewhere online that mentioned it as one of the companies not expected to make it through 2009? I'll try to dig it up. . .
Hooray for college! (er, hopefully. . .)
There are a few other things I want to do before work today, so I'm ending this here. Remind me next time to write about my Mom's tarot card party. The lady was pretty accurate, except for one big thing. v_v But I think that's been straightened out, haha.
Til next time!
Monday, worked 8-5. Or really, 7:30-5 cuz that's when I have to get there. I rang from 12 to 5, which is a lot more than I'm used to. It wasn't too bad though; I kept busy checking the register candy for outdates.
Tuesday morning, I was there at 7:30 as usual. Around 7:40, the phone rang. Sure enough, my cashier was calling out with a "sore throat," which meant I was going to be by myself til noon. GREAT. There's always a lot for a manager to do on a Tuesday morning too, between vendors and magazines, so I was not looking forward to a great morning. Called Wayne a little before 8 to tell him what was up and that I'd try calling some people to see if anyone could come in for a few hours. He said okay, and that he'd try to be there around 10. Unfortunately, everyone was either busy or unreachable, so I was indeed by my lonesome til 10:30ish. LUCKILY it was dead and my only vendor randomly came in by the front door, so I had plenty of time to just look for more candy outdates. I had to keep ringing until 4 though, even after Wayne got there because there was still no other cashier. Believe me when I say I sympathize with you guys who have to ring all shift-- it sucks. :p haha
By Wednesday morning, I was in no mood to be there again. Luckily my cashier showed up, and even better my shift ended at 1 anyway. It was a very easy day that just flew by, which was definitely the kind of shift I needed.
Maybe to make up for my shitty week at work, my riding lesson yesterday was great. It was so freaking NICE and WARM outside that I didn't need to bundle up in 95948 layers. I would have loved to ride outside, but unfortunately the outdoor areana is one big mud pit right now. Oh well, I'll take a few weeks of mud as long as there's no more snow and ice! Dandy was a stupendous boy. . . SO much better than last week, which is good because he simply had an off day and did not, in fact, forget all his training O_o;;. Seeing as the horses are supposed to be outside again (if the weather stays nice) I might try to sneak over to the barn on a free day and take some pictures of my beastie. Yeah, listen to me talk as though I own him-- since when does Rite Aid pay that well? lol
Speaking of RA, did any of you guys see the list somewhere online that mentioned it as one of the companies not expected to make it through 2009? I'll try to dig it up. . .
Hooray for college! (er, hopefully. . .)
There are a few other things I want to do before work today, so I'm ending this here. Remind me next time to write about my Mom's tarot card party. The lady was pretty accurate, except for one big thing. v_v But I think that's been straightened out, haha.
Til next time!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
25 Things
1. I have a Snuggy (Snuggie?). I am wearing it right now. :p
2.When I was younger I used to keep Japanese beetles as pets. Leaves, blueberries and a little bit of water is all they need. I had one for a whole 2 weeks, but I felt bad and let him go.
3. Occasionally I listen to Christian talk radio in the car. I'm not Christian, but I find it interesting and sometimes a little concerning.
4. Actually, I've been interested in religions for a long time. At different points in my life, I have considered myself: Catholic, an atheist, Wiccan, LaVeyan Satanist, Hellenistic Pagan, agnostic, Buddhist. And I used to attend a Methodist church when I was dating Rich, which I actually did not mind. If I were going to be Christian, that would be my denomination of choice.
5. I love buffalo. I don't know why. I have about a trillion stuffed bison, model bison, bison trinkets, etc. Sometimes I think I may have been a Native American in a past life, between that and how I've always loved horses, too. . .especially Appaloosas, which were started by the Nez Perce indians. :p
6. Don't think I get angry? Don't ever drive with me for any length of time. I've had horrific road rage for years, although it's gotten better lately. We're talking, if someone passed me on a 2 lane road, I'd chase them no matter how fast they were going, high beams on, blaring my horn, yelling out the window, etc. That happened on several occasions. I'm not sure my ire towards asshole drivers will ever disappear completely.
7. I hated college. My life fell apart while I was in Tennessee, hit rock bottom in Virginia, and then was a constant roller coaster while at URI. It's too much to get into, but I spent the better part of those 6.5 years being unhealthy and unhappy. High school wasn't *amazing* but at least I had some kind of direction and self-worth.
8. I can play the electric bass a little bit. I can play a bunch of Green Day songs, The Clash songs, some Weezer. . I don't know. I haven't even picked up the thing in awhile.
9. I want to learn to speak Tagalog aka the language of the Phillippines. I just like the name and the fact that "ng" is a word.
10. I'm reading War and Peace and I f'ing love it. I'll probably read it again someday, it's that good.
11. It's a bit ironic, but I am an emetophobe (fear of vomiting). I've never had a stomach virus in my entire life and I'm absolutely terrified of someday getting one. If I know I've been around someone that's been sick, I pretty much scald my hands and then douse them in Purell to keep from catching it.
12. I don't like kids and I never, ever want any. It doesn't matter if they are babies or toddlers or even older than that. I don't know what to say to or do with them. If I ever got pregnant, I would absolutely have an abortion because I don't want to go through any of the shit that comes with being pregnant, nevermind actually giving birth.
13. Even when *I* was a kid, I didn't like playing with dolls or anything like that. I remember my parents asked if I wanted a little brother or sister and I adamantly said NO, haha. I've always loved horses though and animals in general, so I'm not a complete monster. :p
14. I've been thisclose to starting my own little soap and bath stuff business several times over the past few years. But I always get discouraged and don't think my stuff is that good, so I always back down.
15. I love fashion, models, that whole bit. My favorite designers are Marc Jacobs, Alexander McQueen and John Galliano. Cant go wrong with anything from Dior, either. Prada always has great purses, though they cost the equivalent to what I make in a year. :p And I consider the Kate Spade scarf I got for $20 at a thrift shop in Boston to be one of my best purchses ever.
16. I love anarchism as a theory (and if you think I'm talking about mass chaos and destruction GO READ A FRICKEN BOOK ON THE SUBJECT v_v), but I know it would never be possible in reality.
17. Therefore, I believe that if we must have a government, then it be one that helps that its citizens lead better lives. . .and not just the wealthy. I definitely lead towards socialism (and if you think I'm talking about something akin to Stalin's Russia GO READ ANOTHER FRICKEN BOOK) and completely despise capitalism.
18. I have a stick collection. Yeah, when I'm walking outside or in the park or whatever, if I feel a special affinity for a stick I come across, I keep it.
19. I normally don't care about cars, but I am in love with Mini Coopers. I die a little inside every time someone drives by me in one.
20. I love Air Supply in a "they're so campy/awful/sappy they're great" way, haha.
21. I don't really care for technology, to a certain point. Cell phone? Good for emergencies, but I don't need it on me 24/7. In fact, I go whole days without turning my on, sometimes. MP3 player? I have one, but when I'm puttering around the house, I prefer my good ol' Discman. Don't get me wrong, I think the Internet is great, but I just don't like how everything is becoming digitized and. . .not physical these days. I'm especially bothered by the Kindle. If they ever stop producing books, I am gonna *start* my own commune somewhere, haha.
22. I am 100% Italian. I would love to go to Italy someday and visit the towns my family originated from (Itri, between Rome and Naples on the west coast and Bari, on the east coast).
23. I like collecting women's magazines from the 1920s and 30s. I also enjoy collecting old cookbooks and old books on things I'm interested in historically, such as the one I have on the Spanish American War from just a few years after it ended. Antique shops = lots of fun.
24. I'm gonna be really sad when Angela Lansbury dies.
25. I'm not tagging anyone cuz I don't freaking want to. a) I don't even talk to 25 people and b) most of you all who have read this have already done it! THE END
2.When I was younger I used to keep Japanese beetles as pets. Leaves, blueberries and a little bit of water is all they need. I had one for a whole 2 weeks, but I felt bad and let him go.
3. Occasionally I listen to Christian talk radio in the car. I'm not Christian, but I find it interesting and sometimes a little concerning.
4. Actually, I've been interested in religions for a long time. At different points in my life, I have considered myself: Catholic, an atheist, Wiccan, LaVeyan Satanist, Hellenistic Pagan, agnostic, Buddhist. And I used to attend a Methodist church when I was dating Rich, which I actually did not mind. If I were going to be Christian, that would be my denomination of choice.
5. I love buffalo. I don't know why. I have about a trillion stuffed bison, model bison, bison trinkets, etc. Sometimes I think I may have been a Native American in a past life, between that and how I've always loved horses, too. . .especially Appaloosas, which were started by the Nez Perce indians. :p
6. Don't think I get angry? Don't ever drive with me for any length of time. I've had horrific road rage for years, although it's gotten better lately. We're talking, if someone passed me on a 2 lane road, I'd chase them no matter how fast they were going, high beams on, blaring my horn, yelling out the window, etc. That happened on several occasions. I'm not sure my ire towards asshole drivers will ever disappear completely.
7. I hated college. My life fell apart while I was in Tennessee, hit rock bottom in Virginia, and then was a constant roller coaster while at URI. It's too much to get into, but I spent the better part of those 6.5 years being unhealthy and unhappy. High school wasn't *amazing* but at least I had some kind of direction and self-worth.
8. I can play the electric bass a little bit. I can play a bunch of Green Day songs, The Clash songs, some Weezer. . I don't know. I haven't even picked up the thing in awhile.
9. I want to learn to speak Tagalog aka the language of the Phillippines. I just like the name and the fact that "ng" is a word.
10. I'm reading War and Peace and I f'ing love it. I'll probably read it again someday, it's that good.
11. It's a bit ironic, but I am an emetophobe (fear of vomiting). I've never had a stomach virus in my entire life and I'm absolutely terrified of someday getting one. If I know I've been around someone that's been sick, I pretty much scald my hands and then douse them in Purell to keep from catching it.
12. I don't like kids and I never, ever want any. It doesn't matter if they are babies or toddlers or even older than that. I don't know what to say to or do with them. If I ever got pregnant, I would absolutely have an abortion because I don't want to go through any of the shit that comes with being pregnant, nevermind actually giving birth.
13. Even when *I* was a kid, I didn't like playing with dolls or anything like that. I remember my parents asked if I wanted a little brother or sister and I adamantly said NO, haha. I've always loved horses though and animals in general, so I'm not a complete monster. :p
14. I've been thisclose to starting my own little soap and bath stuff business several times over the past few years. But I always get discouraged and don't think my stuff is that good, so I always back down.
15. I love fashion, models, that whole bit. My favorite designers are Marc Jacobs, Alexander McQueen and John Galliano. Cant go wrong with anything from Dior, either. Prada always has great purses, though they cost the equivalent to what I make in a year. :p And I consider the Kate Spade scarf I got for $20 at a thrift shop in Boston to be one of my best purchses ever.
16. I love anarchism as a theory (and if you think I'm talking about mass chaos and destruction GO READ A FRICKEN BOOK ON THE SUBJECT v_v), but I know it would never be possible in reality.
17. Therefore, I believe that if we must have a government, then it be one that helps that its citizens lead better lives. . .and not just the wealthy. I definitely lead towards socialism (and if you think I'm talking about something akin to Stalin's Russia GO READ ANOTHER FRICKEN BOOK) and completely despise capitalism.
18. I have a stick collection. Yeah, when I'm walking outside or in the park or whatever, if I feel a special affinity for a stick I come across, I keep it.
19. I normally don't care about cars, but I am in love with Mini Coopers. I die a little inside every time someone drives by me in one.
20. I love Air Supply in a "they're so campy/awful/sappy they're great" way, haha.
21. I don't really care for technology, to a certain point. Cell phone? Good for emergencies, but I don't need it on me 24/7. In fact, I go whole days without turning my on, sometimes. MP3 player? I have one, but when I'm puttering around the house, I prefer my good ol' Discman. Don't get me wrong, I think the Internet is great, but I just don't like how everything is becoming digitized and. . .not physical these days. I'm especially bothered by the Kindle. If they ever stop producing books, I am gonna *start* my own commune somewhere, haha.
22. I am 100% Italian. I would love to go to Italy someday and visit the towns my family originated from (Itri, between Rome and Naples on the west coast and Bari, on the east coast).
23. I like collecting women's magazines from the 1920s and 30s. I also enjoy collecting old cookbooks and old books on things I'm interested in historically, such as the one I have on the Spanish American War from just a few years after it ended. Antique shops = lots of fun.
24. I'm gonna be really sad when Angela Lansbury dies.
25. I'm not tagging anyone cuz I don't freaking want to. a) I don't even talk to 25 people and b) most of you all who have read this have already done it! THE END
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Vroom Vroom
Before I start this entry, I just want to apologize for the fact that I am an awful replier to comments. I've been that way ever since I've had a blog, which goes back to 2000 or so! ;p But do know that I read and appreciate each and every comment I get on here, on AIM, on Facebook, wherever. ^__^
Yesterday I had a craptastic riding lesson. I've been riding the same horse for a few weeks now-- Dandy, a cute palomino gelding-- and with every passing week, he kept getting better and better. See, when they got Dandy, he was extremely out of shape, overweight and just not very well trained. The first time I rode him, I literally had to kick him to get him to go anywhere, he wouldn't bend at ALL in the direction we were going, and getting him to canter even a few strides was a literal process. But as I said, every week I rode him, he began to improve. The last time I rode him (before yesterday), we had some VERY nice circles and his cantering work was 290594 times better-- we even made it 3 times around the ring both ways, without stopping!
Yesterday was a different story. I feel like we took a billion steps backwards, and I seriously hope that is NOT the case. I knew he was going to be a "joy" from the moment I brought him in the ring-- I could barely stop him to pull down the stirrups and prepare to get on him, he just wanted to keep walking. And then as soon as I did get on him, he wanted to trot straightaway-- forget walking. His bending was again nonexistant, he kept doing funky things with his head to evade the bit, and every time one of the other horses in the ring passed him he wanted to speed up to meet them. To make matters worse, the ring was very dusty since there were 3 of us riding and I think that was making him a little spooky-- every time one of the horses so much as kicked up a stone, I could feel him get all tense. And what was embarrassing for me was that a girl who's new to the barn was watching me ride and I know this couldn't have made a good impression on her. :/
It just sucked because I KNOW Dandy can behave and be really good. I think if we had been alone in the ring, he probably would have been awesome. We did have a *few* good circles and he had some decent canter transitions, but the majority of the time he was just so distracted. Not to lay all the blame on him, but I know that because he was so "up" I was not as relaxed as I could be, and that's a vicious circle right there, since horses are so tuned in to how their rider is feeling. My instructor said I did well with him, but it's just so hard to agree when we've had much better weeks. I guess that's part of working with a green horse though, right?
And it was kind of funny, because I think Dandy knew he had been a brat. I brought a few treats for him, but I only gave him one before my lesson telling him he had to earn the rest. Afterwards, I was in no rush to give him the rest, but before I left I went to go visit him back in his stall and figured I'd give him the treats then. Do you know that he was reluctant to take them? It was like he understood that he was supposed to behave in order to get them. :P (Oh, and it's not that he didn't like the treats-- he kept trying to sniff at my pockets where I had them the whole time I was getting him ready, haha).
So, that was yesterday. Today I get to work for 3954 hours, but it's truck day so it should be alright.
Yesterday I had a craptastic riding lesson. I've been riding the same horse for a few weeks now-- Dandy, a cute palomino gelding-- and with every passing week, he kept getting better and better. See, when they got Dandy, he was extremely out of shape, overweight and just not very well trained. The first time I rode him, I literally had to kick him to get him to go anywhere, he wouldn't bend at ALL in the direction we were going, and getting him to canter even a few strides was a literal process. But as I said, every week I rode him, he began to improve. The last time I rode him (before yesterday), we had some VERY nice circles and his cantering work was 290594 times better-- we even made it 3 times around the ring both ways, without stopping!
Yesterday was a different story. I feel like we took a billion steps backwards, and I seriously hope that is NOT the case. I knew he was going to be a "joy" from the moment I brought him in the ring-- I could barely stop him to pull down the stirrups and prepare to get on him, he just wanted to keep walking. And then as soon as I did get on him, he wanted to trot straightaway-- forget walking. His bending was again nonexistant, he kept doing funky things with his head to evade the bit, and every time one of the other horses in the ring passed him he wanted to speed up to meet them. To make matters worse, the ring was very dusty since there were 3 of us riding and I think that was making him a little spooky-- every time one of the horses so much as kicked up a stone, I could feel him get all tense. And what was embarrassing for me was that a girl who's new to the barn was watching me ride and I know this couldn't have made a good impression on her. :/
It just sucked because I KNOW Dandy can behave and be really good. I think if we had been alone in the ring, he probably would have been awesome. We did have a *few* good circles and he had some decent canter transitions, but the majority of the time he was just so distracted. Not to lay all the blame on him, but I know that because he was so "up" I was not as relaxed as I could be, and that's a vicious circle right there, since horses are so tuned in to how their rider is feeling. My instructor said I did well with him, but it's just so hard to agree when we've had much better weeks. I guess that's part of working with a green horse though, right?
And it was kind of funny, because I think Dandy knew he had been a brat. I brought a few treats for him, but I only gave him one before my lesson telling him he had to earn the rest. Afterwards, I was in no rush to give him the rest, but before I left I went to go visit him back in his stall and figured I'd give him the treats then. Do you know that he was reluctant to take them? It was like he understood that he was supposed to behave in order to get them. :P (Oh, and it's not that he didn't like the treats-- he kept trying to sniff at my pockets where I had them the whole time I was getting him ready, haha).
So, that was yesterday. Today I get to work for 3954 hours, but it's truck day so it should be alright.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The Word For the Past Few Days
was DWELLING.
You already know some of it. You know I was upset about old feelings cropping up, having to do with lonliness and starting to worry about what I was eating. Then I read something alluding to me online (thanks, Facebook) that hurt me quite a bit. It was especially bad timing because Travis and I are coming up on "that" anniversary, aka the one when my other two serious, long-term relationships basically ended. There's NO reason to think that something would happen in the next few days that would cause some kind of horrific, irreconcilable rift between us (seriously. . .what? haha) but I know there's a part of my mind that is a little. . .off.
So I went around being all grumpy and not-very-talkative and just feeling my mind being swamped in this stew of nastiness. When it gets like this, it's very hard for me to articulate *what* I'm feeling, which is why it's easier not to say anything.
I hate to say it, but 9 times out of 10, what gets me out of my head is going to work. It's not that I love ol' RA, but it at least gives me something else to do and offers plenty of opportunities for just being present with what's happening at the moment and practicing equanimity and sometimes even friendliness.
And so, between the time I ate breakfast and when I actually left the office to do stuff, that's when I had my "dwelling epiphany." So much of what was bothering me was tied to who I used to be, which is quite a different beast from what I am now. I worked so hard last year at becoming a better caretaker to myself, but all because of some things that reminded me of the past, I was almost ready to throw in the towel again.
But when I stopped and looked at the present moment, I saw that things were going pretty well. I had just finished eating a healthy breakfast. Everyone had showed up that was supposed to. People had been pleasant so far. I even felt okay about the snow, because that probably meant it would be a quiet day, and I prefer that by far (and there was actually stuff to do, so we wouldn't be bored). There was really nothing to be upset about at that moment. As the day went on, I continued to feel happier and by the time I left, I was basically back to normal.
Since no state of mind is premanent, I know I'll probably feel down about the aforementioned things again, but at least now I've had experiences like this one, when I've been able to actively guide myself in a better direction. It's so important to be able to do this, but easier said then done sometimes.
There is more I was hoping to write, but I need to do a few things today before it gets too late. And I have a riding lesson later, so I don't have all day. :p
The only other thing I want to say right now is to please feel thankful for all that you do have, especially with the way the economy's been. I live right near one of the area's food pantries and it seems like every week the crowd there gets bigger and bigger. Today I drove past at 9am or so and there was already a crowd at the door and a line down the parking lot. There were so many cars that people had to park in the church lot right next door. Things should not be this way in this country and I can only hope that this administration can start making some changes that will actually do *good* for once. I know, I know, it's a way long, complicated thing that I could write an entire entry on, but just please keep all the people who have less than you do in your thoughts. Any one of us could find ourselves in that predicament very easily, so let's practice compassion instead of feelings of superiority.
You already know some of it. You know I was upset about old feelings cropping up, having to do with lonliness and starting to worry about what I was eating. Then I read something alluding to me online (thanks, Facebook) that hurt me quite a bit. It was especially bad timing because Travis and I are coming up on "that" anniversary, aka the one when my other two serious, long-term relationships basically ended. There's NO reason to think that something would happen in the next few days that would cause some kind of horrific, irreconcilable rift between us (seriously. . .what? haha) but I know there's a part of my mind that is a little. . .off.
So I went around being all grumpy and not-very-talkative and just feeling my mind being swamped in this stew of nastiness. When it gets like this, it's very hard for me to articulate *what* I'm feeling, which is why it's easier not to say anything.
I hate to say it, but 9 times out of 10, what gets me out of my head is going to work. It's not that I love ol' RA, but it at least gives me something else to do and offers plenty of opportunities for just being present with what's happening at the moment and practicing equanimity and sometimes even friendliness.
And so, between the time I ate breakfast and when I actually left the office to do stuff, that's when I had my "dwelling epiphany." So much of what was bothering me was tied to who I used to be, which is quite a different beast from what I am now. I worked so hard last year at becoming a better caretaker to myself, but all because of some things that reminded me of the past, I was almost ready to throw in the towel again.
But when I stopped and looked at the present moment, I saw that things were going pretty well. I had just finished eating a healthy breakfast. Everyone had showed up that was supposed to. People had been pleasant so far. I even felt okay about the snow, because that probably meant it would be a quiet day, and I prefer that by far (and there was actually stuff to do, so we wouldn't be bored). There was really nothing to be upset about at that moment. As the day went on, I continued to feel happier and by the time I left, I was basically back to normal.
Since no state of mind is premanent, I know I'll probably feel down about the aforementioned things again, but at least now I've had experiences like this one, when I've been able to actively guide myself in a better direction. It's so important to be able to do this, but easier said then done sometimes.
There is more I was hoping to write, but I need to do a few things today before it gets too late. And I have a riding lesson later, so I don't have all day. :p
The only other thing I want to say right now is to please feel thankful for all that you do have, especially with the way the economy's been. I live right near one of the area's food pantries and it seems like every week the crowd there gets bigger and bigger. Today I drove past at 9am or so and there was already a crowd at the door and a line down the parking lot. There were so many cars that people had to park in the church lot right next door. Things should not be this way in this country and I can only hope that this administration can start making some changes that will actually do *good* for once. I know, I know, it's a way long, complicated thing that I could write an entire entry on, but just please keep all the people who have less than you do in your thoughts. Any one of us could find ourselves in that predicament very easily, so let's practice compassion instead of feelings of superiority.
Monday, February 2, 2009
::yawn::
Yeah, sue me. I took a few days off.
I've been unexpectedly dealing with some shit feelings rising up again, suddenly. I think part of it is I am sick to DEATH of the people I know who keep going on and on and on about their annoying diets, and I'd like to think it doesn't bother me, but maybe it does. Yesterday was the first time I forever that I did NOT want to eat my lunch because I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out. I ate anyway (god, it was just miso soup with soba noodles, snap peas and hummus and a little pack of dark chocolate peanut M&Ms), and it was fine, but it's like. . .I don't need that again.
And secondly, I've been dealing with feelings of sucking at friendship again. I admit: I'm an awful friend, which is probably why I can count the ones I have on one hand. Half a hand, really. This, in turn makes my anger rise not just towards other people, but towards myself for my own failures and THAT contributes to The Problem Alluded At Above and it's just this vicous, awful cycle that needs to be broken NOW.
I've been trying to make today a good/better day. I drove to the bookstore and spent a lot of time there, browsing through books and magazines. Then I drove to Sophie's and had some tea and wrote in my notebook. Now I'm probably just going to play World of Warcraft for 38593 hours, and maybe later I'll go to yoga class because I kinda need it today.
So, I'm sorry that this entry is such a downer. I'm working on it.
I've been unexpectedly dealing with some shit feelings rising up again, suddenly. I think part of it is I am sick to DEATH of the people I know who keep going on and on and on about their annoying diets, and I'd like to think it doesn't bother me, but maybe it does. Yesterday was the first time I forever that I did NOT want to eat my lunch because I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out. I ate anyway (god, it was just miso soup with soba noodles, snap peas and hummus and a little pack of dark chocolate peanut M&Ms), and it was fine, but it's like. . .I don't need that again.
And secondly, I've been dealing with feelings of sucking at friendship again. I admit: I'm an awful friend, which is probably why I can count the ones I have on one hand. Half a hand, really. This, in turn makes my anger rise not just towards other people, but towards myself for my own failures and THAT contributes to The Problem Alluded At Above and it's just this vicous, awful cycle that needs to be broken NOW.
I've been trying to make today a good/better day. I drove to the bookstore and spent a lot of time there, browsing through books and magazines. Then I drove to Sophie's and had some tea and wrote in my notebook. Now I'm probably just going to play World of Warcraft for 38593 hours, and maybe later I'll go to yoga class because I kinda need it today.
So, I'm sorry that this entry is such a downer. I'm working on it.
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