I wrote that last entry kind of on an impulse. Everything in it is true, but nevertheless it was an impulsive composition.
But when I read through it again yesterday, it was like my mind recoiled from the words that I was reading. As though just the essence of the idea of "relapsing" made something in me take notice and say "really?" And instead of feeling angry, I felt a sense of relief probably for the first time EVER that I am just fine the way I am now-- which is to say, healthy (other than this damn cough/cold >;p).
So I found it interesting when I was re-reading an issue of Tricycle that night and came across a short article about the concept of Juingong; one's underlying mind. But it's more than just a rational, thinking mind, instead it is described as one's foundation, as "the unconditional love [and compassion] bodhisattvas have for all beings." And what struck me is that the article went on to say that a thought from one's Juingong is "free of any sense of the notion 'I raised a thought.'" It just freely crops up. That is much more like what I experienced when I reread my last entry and when I sat down and thought about what I said. *
Maybe all this crazy Buddhist stuff hasn't been for naught! :p
Well, I would write more, but I have to work 12 to freaking 9 today, and I have things to do before then. See you all laterz.
*The history student in me said I should go back and cite my quotes. They are from the article "Thinking Big" by Daehaeng Kun Sunim, pgs 16-17 in Tricycle's Winter 2008 edition. FIN
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Still Freaking Sick
Can't think of anything good to write. Is this proof that my post-craziness life = boring?
ETA: I always think things happen for a reason, and I think the timing of this dastardly cold was no accident as I was seriously considering relapsing *just a bit.*
I hate that my coping mechanism/s were taken away from me practically cold turkey and for almost a year, at that! I should be glad, I should be thankful (because I even said myself in my old issue-related blog that I probably wouldn't be able to stop until I completely hit a wall) but even to this day I'm not. I should be, cuz I never would have made such mental and emotional progress as I have if this long respite hadn't happened. I just wish there was a way I could have it all-- but that's what this whole thing's about, eh? @_@
I could list the physical improvements I've seen in myself over the past year, but I feel like that would be giving too much away. Suffice to say, one thing that hasn't gone away are the 12 cavities I accrued over several years. Or how about my last upper left molar that's had so much erosion + dental work it's barely even a tooth anymore? HOT.
Oh, I gotta stop dwelling. So much is wrong about this based on what I believe. . .I don't know how I could justify it to myself anymore. I'm going to eat an apple and call it a night.
ETA: I always think things happen for a reason, and I think the timing of this dastardly cold was no accident as I was seriously considering relapsing *just a bit.*
I hate that my coping mechanism/s were taken away from me practically cold turkey and for almost a year, at that! I should be glad, I should be thankful (because I even said myself in my old issue-related blog that I probably wouldn't be able to stop until I completely hit a wall) but even to this day I'm not. I should be, cuz I never would have made such mental and emotional progress as I have if this long respite hadn't happened. I just wish there was a way I could have it all-- but that's what this whole thing's about, eh? @_@
I could list the physical improvements I've seen in myself over the past year, but I feel like that would be giving too much away. Suffice to say, one thing that hasn't gone away are the 12 cavities I accrued over several years. Or how about my last upper left molar that's had so much erosion + dental work it's barely even a tooth anymore? HOT.
Oh, I gotta stop dwelling. So much is wrong about this based on what I believe. . .I don't know how I could justify it to myself anymore. I'm going to eat an apple and call it a night.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Goodnight, Kapha
So today I decided to eat mostly kapha-pacifying foods, hoping this will make *some* difference in my cold.
For breakfast I had an asian pear and a cup of Throat Coat tea. I also had one Vitamin C chewable tablet.
Lunch was at Applebee's in Warwick. . .I had the Cajun Lime Tilapia with squash, broccoli and carrots plus rice pilaf on the side. Remember, foods to make kapha happy should be light and warm-- I thought this meal fit the bill. Ayurveda is also big on how the *taste* of food can affect doshas. Astringent and pungent foods (such as oh, lime juice and cajun spices) are good for perking up kapha. Veggies are good for all doshas, and although raw veggies are possibly better for kaphas, I needed the extra warmth. A salad today probably wouldn't have been a great idea.
Of course, after eating my main meal I went and threw off the balance completely by having a strawberry cheesecake shooter! Oops, heh. ._.
Since Travis and I went to Trader Joe's today for just a few items, I couldn't help getting some Joe-Joe's, which are basically superior Oreos. And yes, I had a few. But I think I made up for my few kapha-unfriendly slips tonight by making a big pot of kichadi (kichari, same thing). A kitchari is any combination of rice, split mung dal beans, veggies and spices, catered to whatever one's needs are at the moment. The one I made tonight was a warming/lung kichari with lots and lots of spices, a bunch of garlic and just sweet potatoes for a veggie. I had 2 bowls full but luckily I still have plenty left for tomorrow and possibly Monday as well!
I'm not hoping for a miracle, I just hope this cold goes along its merry way relatively quickly. I felt so crappy this morning I even had to cancel my riding lesson, and that's not a decision I take lightly. :p
Well, all for now. See most of you guys soon!
For breakfast I had an asian pear and a cup of Throat Coat tea. I also had one Vitamin C chewable tablet.
Lunch was at Applebee's in Warwick. . .I had the Cajun Lime Tilapia with squash, broccoli and carrots plus rice pilaf on the side. Remember, foods to make kapha happy should be light and warm-- I thought this meal fit the bill. Ayurveda is also big on how the *taste* of food can affect doshas. Astringent and pungent foods (such as oh, lime juice and cajun spices) are good for perking up kapha. Veggies are good for all doshas, and although raw veggies are possibly better for kaphas, I needed the extra warmth. A salad today probably wouldn't have been a great idea.
Of course, after eating my main meal I went and threw off the balance completely by having a strawberry cheesecake shooter! Oops, heh. ._.
Since Travis and I went to Trader Joe's today for just a few items, I couldn't help getting some Joe-Joe's, which are basically superior Oreos. And yes, I had a few. But I think I made up for my few kapha-unfriendly slips tonight by making a big pot of kichadi (kichari, same thing). A kitchari is any combination of rice, split mung dal beans, veggies and spices, catered to whatever one's needs are at the moment. The one I made tonight was a warming/lung kichari with lots and lots of spices, a bunch of garlic and just sweet potatoes for a veggie. I had 2 bowls full but luckily I still have plenty left for tomorrow and possibly Monday as well!
I'm not hoping for a miracle, I just hope this cold goes along its merry way relatively quickly. I felt so crappy this morning I even had to cancel my riding lesson, and that's not a decision I take lightly. :p
Well, all for now. See most of you guys soon!
Friday, April 24, 2009
I've Done It Again
not really again, but whatever.
So I think I may be dealing with a minor kapha imbalance right now. Remember, kapha is one of the three Ayurvedic doshas that everyone has. Kapha has everything to do with dampness and heaviness. It is easily imbalanced in the spring because--surprise-- damp and wet are words that often (and have been!) describe the usual weather. As you may remember, one tenet of Ayurveda is that like increases like. . .and too much of a dosha can cause sickness.
For the past few days I've been sleepy and overall run-down and I have an annoying tickle in my throat due to post-nasal drip and mucus. Yum. I've also been a little headachy. Guess what common symptoms are of kapha imbalance? You guessed it-- sluggishness, headaches and excess mucus.
It's probably something I should have seen coming, because I've also been eating the worst kapha aggravating diet ever-- cold drinks, lots of dairy, a lot of fatty processed foods and lots o' chocolate. All that, combined with the weather, was really just asking for it. So what should I probably be doing instead?
-Ginger tea. One of my texts recommends either a ginger-cinnamon-lemongrass mix or ginger-cinnamon-cardamom, but with honey. It is also recommended to boil 1 tsp of ginger in a pint of water and inhale the steam.
-Nose drops made of liquified ghee. About 4 in each nostril.
-Stick to hot water drinks.
-NO dairy. NO cold drinks (as I sip an iced coffee with skim milk ~_~)
-Rest and stay warm as much as possible.
-gentle Sun Salutations
-Breath of Fire and/or Alternate Nostril breathing
And following a kapha SOOTHING diet of light, dry, warm food can only help too.
If only I weren't working today, cuz I'm unfortunately out of a lot of *good* things that would help me accomplish this. Luckily I have tomorrow off, so I'll have to find time to make a nice big pot of kitchari.
And that's your lesson for today!
So I think I may be dealing with a minor kapha imbalance right now. Remember, kapha is one of the three Ayurvedic doshas that everyone has. Kapha has everything to do with dampness and heaviness. It is easily imbalanced in the spring because--surprise-- damp and wet are words that often (and have been!) describe the usual weather. As you may remember, one tenet of Ayurveda is that like increases like. . .and too much of a dosha can cause sickness.
For the past few days I've been sleepy and overall run-down and I have an annoying tickle in my throat due to post-nasal drip and mucus. Yum. I've also been a little headachy. Guess what common symptoms are of kapha imbalance? You guessed it-- sluggishness, headaches and excess mucus.
It's probably something I should have seen coming, because I've also been eating the worst kapha aggravating diet ever-- cold drinks, lots of dairy, a lot of fatty processed foods and lots o' chocolate. All that, combined with the weather, was really just asking for it. So what should I probably be doing instead?
-Ginger tea. One of my texts recommends either a ginger-cinnamon-lemongrass mix or ginger-cinnamon-cardamom, but with honey. It is also recommended to boil 1 tsp of ginger in a pint of water and inhale the steam.
-Nose drops made of liquified ghee. About 4 in each nostril.
-Stick to hot water drinks.
-NO dairy. NO cold drinks (as I sip an iced coffee with skim milk ~_~)
-Rest and stay warm as much as possible.
-gentle Sun Salutations
-Breath of Fire and/or Alternate Nostril breathing
And following a kapha SOOTHING diet of light, dry, warm food can only help too.
If only I weren't working today, cuz I'm unfortunately out of a lot of *good* things that would help me accomplish this. Luckily I have tomorrow off, so I'll have to find time to make a nice big pot of kitchari.
And that's your lesson for today!
Monday, April 20, 2009
I Love Too Much
when it comes to World of Warcraft. ^_____^
If I didn't play that game, there'd likely be 29057395 more entries on here, haha.
Yesterday, when I was [not] reading a magazine at work, I came upon a blurb about a memoir-type book that just came out that I could've written. But no, I always assumed my story was not-quite-exciting enough and not something I'm *dying* to share anyway. Then along comes this girl, who's book will probably do very well amongst people dealing with the same thing, now getting interviewed by magazines and I'm sure making a pretty penny off it all.
Travis and I talk about how this type of situation happens ALL the time. Like, why is Marley and Me such a hit? Cuz a lot of people can relate to it, having owned "bad" dogs. All it took was one guy to just bite the bullet and write it all down. Or, another example that was VASTLY more frustrating to me was a bunch of years ago, when this author with no historical background decided to write about her trip across the US, visiting sites related to presidential assassinations. I picked it up a few times in the bookstore and was just appalled at what I read! She may have gotten some facts right but please, spare the so-called analysis! Leave that to those of us who have spent a LOT of time pouring over the historical sources and can place things in a much bigger context. And don't ever, ever insult the turn-of-the-century anarchist movement if you have no idea what you're talking about. v_v heh
Today was a pretty good day off. I spent most of it playing WoW, not gonna lie, haha. For breakfast I just had my last whole grain bagel toasted and then slathered with ghee and honey. Plus coffee. Then Travis and I went to Wakefield and were *going* to go to El Fuego, but surprise-- closed on Mondays! So instead we went to the co-op and I had a small bowl of veggie chili and some yerba mate. My junky snacks for today were 1 small brownie from the mysterious plate that's been on the kitchen table, 1 hollow milk chocolate egg (rather small) and some Jolly Rancher jellybeans. For dinner I was originally going to make a tofu scramble, but then decided to do something simpler. I just mixed together 1 can of solid white albacore tuna, a handful of edamame and 4 asparagus spears, raw, chopped up. I threw in some extra virgin olive oil, salt and pepper and ate it with some blue corn nachoes. Simple and good! I think later tonight I am going to make a smoothie with rice milk, vanilla protein powder, ground flax seeds and some frozen berries. Oh, and mango chunks. We'll see though.
Well, that's it for the moment. See most of you soon!
If I didn't play that game, there'd likely be 29057395 more entries on here, haha.
Yesterday, when I was [not] reading a magazine at work, I came upon a blurb about a memoir-type book that just came out that I could've written. But no, I always assumed my story was not-quite-exciting enough and not something I'm *dying* to share anyway. Then along comes this girl, who's book will probably do very well amongst people dealing with the same thing, now getting interviewed by magazines and I'm sure making a pretty penny off it all.
Travis and I talk about how this type of situation happens ALL the time. Like, why is Marley and Me such a hit? Cuz a lot of people can relate to it, having owned "bad" dogs. All it took was one guy to just bite the bullet and write it all down. Or, another example that was VASTLY more frustrating to me was a bunch of years ago, when this author with no historical background decided to write about her trip across the US, visiting sites related to presidential assassinations. I picked it up a few times in the bookstore and was just appalled at what I read! She may have gotten some facts right but please, spare the so-called analysis! Leave that to those of us who have spent a LOT of time pouring over the historical sources and can place things in a much bigger context. And don't ever, ever insult the turn-of-the-century anarchist movement if you have no idea what you're talking about. v_v heh
Today was a pretty good day off. I spent most of it playing WoW, not gonna lie, haha. For breakfast I just had my last whole grain bagel toasted and then slathered with ghee and honey. Plus coffee. Then Travis and I went to Wakefield and were *going* to go to El Fuego, but surprise-- closed on Mondays! So instead we went to the co-op and I had a small bowl of veggie chili and some yerba mate. My junky snacks for today were 1 small brownie from the mysterious plate that's been on the kitchen table, 1 hollow milk chocolate egg (rather small) and some Jolly Rancher jellybeans. For dinner I was originally going to make a tofu scramble, but then decided to do something simpler. I just mixed together 1 can of solid white albacore tuna, a handful of edamame and 4 asparagus spears, raw, chopped up. I threw in some extra virgin olive oil, salt and pepper and ate it with some blue corn nachoes. Simple and good! I think later tonight I am going to make a smoothie with rice milk, vanilla protein powder, ground flax seeds and some frozen berries. Oh, and mango chunks. We'll see though.
Well, that's it for the moment. See most of you soon!
Friday, April 17, 2009
omgwriting
cuz the WoW server is being a bitch. ;0
I think it's time for the United States to break up. Seriously. It's obvious that the "left" (cuz honestly, the left in this country is not *that* Leftist) and the right/conservatives are not going to be able to work together. I almost hope that Texas is serious about wanting to secede, cuz if it does you can bet that a bunch of other southern states are gonna want to go with it-- and I say fine. We don't need a second Civil War; freaking let them go. Let them create a theocratic land where there are no taxes, no social programs, unrestricted capitalism and everyone can own as many guns of whatever type they please. See what happens.
Watching this country now is like watching a bad relationship where it is so glaringly obvious that the two people are not meant for each other but they keep trying to make it work. It's getting sad.
On any ENTIRELY different note, I'm very much considering doing a 2 weekend mini-yoga teacher training at the end of August, at ATM. I just think it would be a good experience to have under my belt, especially as I think someday I'd like to also do the 200 hour Kripalu yoga teacher training. Luckily I don't have to sign up til July; I'm sure after my Kripalu trip in June I'll be gung ho about it. Right now I have my usual nagging doubts that make me think it's not a good idea.
Well, that's kind of it for the moment. I am so looking forward to my day off tomorrow, words cannot describe. :p
I think it's time for the United States to break up. Seriously. It's obvious that the "left" (cuz honestly, the left in this country is not *that* Leftist) and the right/conservatives are not going to be able to work together. I almost hope that Texas is serious about wanting to secede, cuz if it does you can bet that a bunch of other southern states are gonna want to go with it-- and I say fine. We don't need a second Civil War; freaking let them go. Let them create a theocratic land where there are no taxes, no social programs, unrestricted capitalism and everyone can own as many guns of whatever type they please. See what happens.
Watching this country now is like watching a bad relationship where it is so glaringly obvious that the two people are not meant for each other but they keep trying to make it work. It's getting sad.
On any ENTIRELY different note, I'm very much considering doing a 2 weekend mini-yoga teacher training at the end of August, at ATM. I just think it would be a good experience to have under my belt, especially as I think someday I'd like to also do the 200 hour Kripalu yoga teacher training. Luckily I don't have to sign up til July; I'm sure after my Kripalu trip in June I'll be gung ho about it. Right now I have my usual nagging doubts that make me think it's not a good idea.
Well, that's kind of it for the moment. I am so looking forward to my day off tomorrow, words cannot describe. :p
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Relax
Just my simple observation for today.
Every so often today, just take a moment and ask yourself "where am I tense?" I know I often hold a lot of tension in my shoulders even when I don't *feel* anxious. Just try it. You'll probably notice something, whether your back, your shoulders, even your jaw. Now, how much better is it if you just relax, even for a moment?
I've been doing this for the past few days, noticing where I feel tense and consciously letting go. I actually started practicing this awhile ago because it's really important for horseback riding. If I try to do a sitting trot without relaxing my lower back, it ends up being bouncy and awkward for me and the horse. If instead I make a conscious effort to release my lower back muscles and take a deep breath, it comes together much easier.
And that's all for now.
Every so often today, just take a moment and ask yourself "where am I tense?" I know I often hold a lot of tension in my shoulders even when I don't *feel* anxious. Just try it. You'll probably notice something, whether your back, your shoulders, even your jaw. Now, how much better is it if you just relax, even for a moment?
I've been doing this for the past few days, noticing where I feel tense and consciously letting go. I actually started practicing this awhile ago because it's really important for horseback riding. If I try to do a sitting trot without relaxing my lower back, it ends up being bouncy and awkward for me and the horse. If instead I make a conscious effort to release my lower back muscles and take a deep breath, it comes together much easier.
And that's all for now.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Way To Go, Rite Aid
no big surprise, really
I guess they had rallies at stores in MA too.
Too bad these things never happen close by. I'd join the picket line. v_v
More tomorrow.
I guess they had rallies at stores in MA too.
Too bad these things never happen close by. I'd join the picket line. v_v
More tomorrow.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Sat Nam
Today's been a pretty good day off, though I didn't have any idea it was going to rain. Originally I was going to go break in my new sneakers at Goddard Park with a trail run, but yeah. . .not quite happening!
I went to Dover Saddlery in NK and got a small bucket and a sponge so I can wash Dandy's sweat marks next time I ride (well, assuming it's *warm* out next time I ride). I'm not necessarily judging how they do things at this barn, but I was always, always taught never to put a horse away with sweat marks-- when it dries, especially if under a blanket, it can cause rubs and skin irritations. So, now I've got the means to take care of business. :p
Then I went to Sophie's on the way home and had a medium black hazelnut and about half of a raspberry almond muffin, since half a muffin there is equal to a whole muffin anywhere else. Sheesh, haha. I'm almost done with Living My Life, Part II (aka Emma Goldman's autobiography). I never actually finished reading her autobio back when I was writing my thesis, cuz all the info I needed was in the first half. The second part is really interesting though, if slightly sad, as it has to do with her disillusionment with Russia after its so-called revolution. Instead, the same old beaurocracy is going on, the same persecution of anarchists and dissenters, etc. etc. In fact, she finds herself completely unable to continue with her usual activities there and essentially bounces around Europe for several years, seemingly not allowed to stay in any one country for more than a few months just because of who she was. I often wondered whatEG would say about the current state of things, but after reading this part of her book, I don't think she'd be suprised. Even in the early 1920s she noticed a change in people and a sharp decline in interest in radicalism. ::sigh::
Um, anyway. Then I came home, played WoW and did a short yoga routine. I don't know why, but I just feel very weepy now, after doing that. I think I need to eat something good and grounding for lunch. I know I've been talking oh, not at all about Ayurveda since I started this thing, but I haven't forgotten. ;0
Well, with that said: lunch time! Have a good day!
I went to Dover Saddlery in NK and got a small bucket and a sponge so I can wash Dandy's sweat marks next time I ride (well, assuming it's *warm* out next time I ride). I'm not necessarily judging how they do things at this barn, but I was always, always taught never to put a horse away with sweat marks-- when it dries, especially if under a blanket, it can cause rubs and skin irritations. So, now I've got the means to take care of business. :p
Then I went to Sophie's on the way home and had a medium black hazelnut and about half of a raspberry almond muffin, since half a muffin there is equal to a whole muffin anywhere else. Sheesh, haha. I'm almost done with Living My Life, Part II (aka Emma Goldman's autobiography). I never actually finished reading her autobio back when I was writing my thesis, cuz all the info I needed was in the first half. The second part is really interesting though, if slightly sad, as it has to do with her disillusionment with Russia after its so-called revolution. Instead, the same old beaurocracy is going on, the same persecution of anarchists and dissenters, etc. etc. In fact, she finds herself completely unable to continue with her usual activities there and essentially bounces around Europe for several years, seemingly not allowed to stay in any one country for more than a few months just because of who she was. I often wondered whatEG would say about the current state of things, but after reading this part of her book, I don't think she'd be suprised. Even in the early 1920s she noticed a change in people and a sharp decline in interest in radicalism. ::sigh::
Um, anyway. Then I came home, played WoW and did a short yoga routine. I don't know why, but I just feel very weepy now, after doing that. I think I need to eat something good and grounding for lunch. I know I've been talking oh, not at all about Ayurveda since I started this thing, but I haven't forgotten. ;0
Well, with that said: lunch time! Have a good day!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Rough
Sorry I've not been writing "real" entries lately. Mentally, I've been all over the place. Over the past few days I've been dealing with having the biggest inferiority complex in the world. That in itself is kind of an oxymoron (lol) but it's been true. For instance, I needed to get new running sneakers, as I said. I planned on going to Warwick yesterday and getting them. Well, first of all, I woke up later than I wanted to. By the time I got out of bed, had breakfast and actually got on the road, I was way behind schedule. Luckily I didn't run into any asshole drivers on the way there, because I was certainly in a road rage-y mood. By the time I actually *got* to where I was going, I was in a completely rotten mood. I didn't even feel worthy of spending the money on myself anymore. I went into Barnes and Noble first to maybe calm myself down a bit before looking at sneakers, but it made matters worse. I picked up a new issue of Practical Horseman to read through, but then that made me start feeling bad about how I'm probably NOT going to be able to ride more than once a week this summer.
Long story short, I went into there, Ulta, Dick's (for the sneakers) and finally DSW, found stuff I wanted in each store but left everything empty handed because I just felt like I did not deserve anything and I had better just go home. Luckily I did not have much time to sit around stewing before my riding lesson because that makes it 03954 times worse.
Riding yesterday was super fun because we went into the field across the street and basically cantered around there the whole time. Normally Dandy is such a dead-head, you can literally kick him and he won't go faster than a walk. In the field he actually had some get-up-and-go to him, so it was fun to let him stretch out and run a bit.
So I had a good time riding, but back at home I hit a wall again and felt like crap. When Travis came home from work, we went back to Warwick, had some dinner and then I tried going back for sneakers again. I found some and bought them and all was well.
Today I'm just feeling blah because I have to work from 1-9. There will probably be some stuff to do, but I'm dreading the stupid cigarette vendor that's coming in today. We're supposed to pay him with a money order. . .but I have no idea how that works. We just give him one? Do we ring it up in the register? Since it's going to be close to $1,000, where am I supposed to get that kind of money from?? And of course this is the one day Wayne and Christine aren't going to be there, which means I'm gonna have to end up calling someone because I will not know what to do. And herein lies the rub. . . I could really use one more day off from work per week, but then there automatically goes a small chunk of money. That means LESS money for riding, nevermind everything else. When I get to thinking about it, I feel so trapped and discontent. It's hard even to use my beliefs in, you know, living in the moment and all that because my mind just goes into this grey zone and it's hard to concentrate on anything that might help. That's why riding helps, because it forces you to get out of your head, or else Dandy is going to run towards some trees with low hanging branches and you might end up on the ground, haha.
Well, no matter what happens today, tomorrow is another day off, which is both good and bad. I must plan things to do or else I'll get stuck in a mental rut again (and this is why I wish I had access to a horse whenever. . .riding or even just being around horses would help immensely).
That's all for now.
Long story short, I went into there, Ulta, Dick's (for the sneakers) and finally DSW, found stuff I wanted in each store but left everything empty handed because I just felt like I did not deserve anything and I had better just go home. Luckily I did not have much time to sit around stewing before my riding lesson because that makes it 03954 times worse.
Riding yesterday was super fun because we went into the field across the street and basically cantered around there the whole time. Normally Dandy is such a dead-head, you can literally kick him and he won't go faster than a walk. In the field he actually had some get-up-and-go to him, so it was fun to let him stretch out and run a bit.
So I had a good time riding, but back at home I hit a wall again and felt like crap. When Travis came home from work, we went back to Warwick, had some dinner and then I tried going back for sneakers again. I found some and bought them and all was well.
Today I'm just feeling blah because I have to work from 1-9. There will probably be some stuff to do, but I'm dreading the stupid cigarette vendor that's coming in today. We're supposed to pay him with a money order. . .but I have no idea how that works. We just give him one? Do we ring it up in the register? Since it's going to be close to $1,000, where am I supposed to get that kind of money from?? And of course this is the one day Wayne and Christine aren't going to be there, which means I'm gonna have to end up calling someone because I will not know what to do. And herein lies the rub. . . I could really use one more day off from work per week, but then there automatically goes a small chunk of money. That means LESS money for riding, nevermind everything else. When I get to thinking about it, I feel so trapped and discontent. It's hard even to use my beliefs in, you know, living in the moment and all that because my mind just goes into this grey zone and it's hard to concentrate on anything that might help. That's why riding helps, because it forces you to get out of your head, or else Dandy is going to run towards some trees with low hanging branches and you might end up on the ground, haha.
Well, no matter what happens today, tomorrow is another day off, which is both good and bad. I must plan things to do or else I'll get stuck in a mental rut again (and this is why I wish I had access to a horse whenever. . .riding or even just being around horses would help immensely).
That's all for now.
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