Rough

Sorry I've not been writing "real" entries lately. Mentally, I've been all over the place. Over the past few days I've been dealing with having the biggest inferiority complex in the world. That in itself is kind of an oxymoron (lol) but it's been true. For instance, I needed to get new running sneakers, as I said. I planned on going to Warwick yesterday and getting them. Well, first of all, I woke up later than I wanted to. By the time I got out of bed, had breakfast and actually got on the road, I was way behind schedule. Luckily I didn't run into any asshole drivers on the way there, because I was certainly in a road rage-y mood. By the time I actually *got* to where I was going, I was in a completely rotten mood. I didn't even feel worthy of spending the money on myself anymore. I went into Barnes and Noble first to maybe calm myself down a bit before looking at sneakers, but it made matters worse. I picked up a new issue of Practical Horseman to read through, but then that made me start feeling bad about how I'm probably NOT going to be able to ride more than once a week this summer.

Long story short, I went into there, Ulta, Dick's (for the sneakers) and finally DSW, found stuff I wanted in each store but left everything empty handed because I just felt like I did not deserve anything and I had better just go home. Luckily I did not have much time to sit around stewing before my riding lesson because that makes it 03954 times worse.

Riding yesterday was super fun because we went into the field across the street and basically cantered around there the whole time. Normally Dandy is such a dead-head, you can literally kick him and he won't go faster than a walk. In the field he actually had some get-up-and-go to him, so it was fun to let him stretch out and run a bit.

So I had a good time riding, but back at home I hit a wall again and felt like crap. When Travis came home from work, we went back to Warwick, had some dinner and then I tried going back for sneakers again. I found some and bought them and all was well.

Today I'm just feeling blah because I have to work from 1-9. There will probably be some stuff to do, but I'm dreading the stupid cigarette vendor that's coming in today. We're supposed to pay him with a money order. . .but I have no idea how that works. We just give him one? Do we ring it up in the register? Since it's going to be close to $1,000, where am I supposed to get that kind of money from?? And of course this is the one day Wayne and Christine aren't going to be there, which means I'm gonna have to end up calling someone because I will not know what to do. And herein lies the rub. . . I could really use one more day off from work per week, but then there automatically goes a small chunk of money. That means LESS money for riding, nevermind everything else. When I get to thinking about it, I feel so trapped and discontent. It's hard even to use my beliefs in, you know, living in the moment and all that because my mind just goes into this grey zone and it's hard to concentrate on anything that might help. That's why riding helps, because it forces you to get out of your head, or else Dandy is going to run towards some trees with low hanging branches and you might end up on the ground, haha.

Well, no matter what happens today, tomorrow is another day off, which is both good and bad. I must plan things to do or else I'll get stuck in a mental rut again (and this is why I wish I had access to a horse whenever. . .riding or even just being around horses would help immensely).

That's all for now.