Hello everyone.
I'm going to write a bit when I get home. First I'm gonna go out, go to the post office, maybe stop by the co-op for a bite to eat, and then I'm gonna go to the barn and give Dandy a carrot. I'm trying not to play WoW *all* day, though it does seem like my paladin is never gonna level up. :p
So, laterz.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The Ocean
I always say I wouldn't care if I moved away from Rhode Island. I'm not a "beach person" and frankly, I would rather have rolling, green fields (full of horses!) than the coastline.
But I can't deny that I do like spending time near the ocean. When I lived in the "crack house" a few years ago, Narragansett Beach was right down the road and so I'd often spend time walking along or sitting on the sea wall. Something about the salty air, the freshness of it, not to mention the sound and hypnotic motion of the waves is calming. I've read that there are more negative ions in ocean air and that literally does have a relaxing affect; maybe there is some truth to that. All I know is that I probably *would* miss having easy access to the beach if it suddenly wasn't there anymore.
The ocean is a good reminder of interconnectedness too, as well as the notion of aimlessness. The purpose of the ocean is to just be the ocean, just as our purpose is to be ourselves. Yes, we all have obligations and jobs and blah blah blah but it's all kind of useless if you can't just be in the present moment. Well, in any case, on the sea wall is when I first started seriously reading about Buddhism and actually understanding it, so being there takes me back to those "aha" moments.
********
Well, today is probably my last riding lesson for a few weeks. Even if I don't change barns, I need a few weeks off so I can put the extra money towards the Kripalu trip. I am going to miss my Goober, but I'll have to stop by once a week or so to bring him treats. ^__^
But I can't deny that I do like spending time near the ocean. When I lived in the "crack house" a few years ago, Narragansett Beach was right down the road and so I'd often spend time walking along or sitting on the sea wall. Something about the salty air, the freshness of it, not to mention the sound and hypnotic motion of the waves is calming. I've read that there are more negative ions in ocean air and that literally does have a relaxing affect; maybe there is some truth to that. All I know is that I probably *would* miss having easy access to the beach if it suddenly wasn't there anymore.
The ocean is a good reminder of interconnectedness too, as well as the notion of aimlessness. The purpose of the ocean is to just be the ocean, just as our purpose is to be ourselves. Yes, we all have obligations and jobs and blah blah blah but it's all kind of useless if you can't just be in the present moment. Well, in any case, on the sea wall is when I first started seriously reading about Buddhism and actually understanding it, so being there takes me back to those "aha" moments.
********
Well, today is probably my last riding lesson for a few weeks. Even if I don't change barns, I need a few weeks off so I can put the extra money towards the Kripalu trip. I am going to miss my Goober, but I'll have to stop by once a week or so to bring him treats. ^__^
Monday, May 18, 2009
untitled
Hi everyone. So sorry that I haven't written, but I've been trying to. I even started writing a few entries, thought them over and then deleted them. The past few days have just been that way, I guess.
Why is it so hard to remember. . .?
I've put this idea out there before, but here it is again:
"Waking up this morning, I smile.
Twenty-four brand new hours are before me.
I vow to live fully in each moment
and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion." (Hanh, 102).
I've been wicked struggling with this lately. The worst part is, nothing's really happened to make me feel so grumpy and easily bothered again.
Part of it is just the same old problem of feeling frustrated and alone. I cling to those feelings without even meaning to because I've dealt with them for so long. I'm used to dwelling in a constant state of misery.
But I know that that does not take care of myself in anyway and by turning myself inward, I sure as hell can't help anyone else. It's a bad (but familiar) way of escaping the present moment in which things are fine. Just cuz I'm not used to things being "fine."
I cling very tightly to how I've been treated in the past by others. Then it's easy to throw a barrier up between myself and the world because I can point to the past and say "look at how I've been hurt before." Hell, I can't even join a group in WoW without being severely insecure. The one time I did an instance with other people, I couldn't wait to get out. :/
It's important to keep in mind that everything is always changing and the best way to go into any situation is free of any preconceived notions. It can be so much easier said than done, I know (and again, lately I've not even been taking my own advice). But consider this: every moment is a possible new beginning. Even if the rest of your day has sucked, you can take a breath right now and start again. Then if you tense back up 2 minutes from now, you can take another deep breath and go back to relaxation, as many times as you need to. Seriously, life is too short to go around being tense or upset by petty things. Be mindful of whatever you are doing in your present moment. That's all there is to it.
For example, I'm going to be mindfully playing World of Warcraft. Take that! :P
Why is it so hard to remember. . .?
I've put this idea out there before, but here it is again:
"Waking up this morning, I smile.
Twenty-four brand new hours are before me.
I vow to live fully in each moment
and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion." (Hanh, 102).
I've been wicked struggling with this lately. The worst part is, nothing's really happened to make me feel so grumpy and easily bothered again.
Part of it is just the same old problem of feeling frustrated and alone. I cling to those feelings without even meaning to because I've dealt with them for so long. I'm used to dwelling in a constant state of misery.
But I know that that does not take care of myself in anyway and by turning myself inward, I sure as hell can't help anyone else. It's a bad (but familiar) way of escaping the present moment in which things are fine. Just cuz I'm not used to things being "fine."
I cling very tightly to how I've been treated in the past by others. Then it's easy to throw a barrier up between myself and the world because I can point to the past and say "look at how I've been hurt before." Hell, I can't even join a group in WoW without being severely insecure. The one time I did an instance with other people, I couldn't wait to get out. :/
It's important to keep in mind that everything is always changing and the best way to go into any situation is free of any preconceived notions. It can be so much easier said than done, I know (and again, lately I've not even been taking my own advice). But consider this: every moment is a possible new beginning. Even if the rest of your day has sucked, you can take a breath right now and start again. Then if you tense back up 2 minutes from now, you can take another deep breath and go back to relaxation, as many times as you need to. Seriously, life is too short to go around being tense or upset by petty things. Be mindful of whatever you are doing in your present moment. That's all there is to it.
For example, I'm going to be mindfully playing World of Warcraft. Take that! :P
Friday, May 15, 2009
I Feel Bad
for the way I seem sometimes.
I feel as though my normal mode is distant, aloof, composed. All the time in the past I've had to deal with people, particularly boyfriends, feeling as though I didn't really care about them, or at least, not that much.
And it's frustrating because I *do* care, but I have a hard time showing it. By nature I am very serious and reserved. It takes a long time to break out of that shell, and even when I do I can revert right back to it if I feel at all slighted by others.
I'm not even sure if other people feel the same way or if it's just so ingrained into my mind that that's "how I am" even if it's not true.
And I am probably overanalysing this.
I just sometimes still feel alone, cuz I know I have some different interests (to put it mildly) and that sometimes I am way too serious. Part of me is still stuck in my freshman year of college when I hated being myself because apparently I wasn't decent enough to make *any* friends. And then the ways in which I chose to self destruct at least earned me some online friends and community. I used to tell therapists I couldn't give up my habits cuz they made me interesting. I'm starting to think that no, maybe I was afraid to give them up because I would no longer be able to have that kinship if I wanted it. There aren't any good "yeah, now you're recovered!" forums. Believe me, I've looked. :p
Well, that's enough. I have 20 minutes to play WoW and I am not wasting them!
I feel as though my normal mode is distant, aloof, composed. All the time in the past I've had to deal with people, particularly boyfriends, feeling as though I didn't really care about them, or at least, not that much.
And it's frustrating because I *do* care, but I have a hard time showing it. By nature I am very serious and reserved. It takes a long time to break out of that shell, and even when I do I can revert right back to it if I feel at all slighted by others.
I'm not even sure if other people feel the same way or if it's just so ingrained into my mind that that's "how I am" even if it's not true.
And I am probably overanalysing this.
I just sometimes still feel alone, cuz I know I have some different interests (to put it mildly) and that sometimes I am way too serious. Part of me is still stuck in my freshman year of college when I hated being myself because apparently I wasn't decent enough to make *any* friends. And then the ways in which I chose to self destruct at least earned me some online friends and community. I used to tell therapists I couldn't give up my habits cuz they made me interesting. I'm starting to think that no, maybe I was afraid to give them up because I would no longer be able to have that kinship if I wanted it. There aren't any good "yeah, now you're recovered!" forums. Believe me, I've looked. :p
Well, that's enough. I have 20 minutes to play WoW and I am not wasting them!
Monday, May 11, 2009
80/20 Rides Again
So my friend Kristin from work is writing about a new book, Naturally Thin. Now, I must admit that I've read some very mixed reviews of the book and advice the author gives, so I've been interested in learning more in depth about what it says.
One of the author's main points is "Your diet is a bank account." Healthy foods are like "smart investments" and thus junk foods are splurges-- fine, but the goal is to keep the account in balance.
I think this advice is all well and good as long as one doesn't go overboard with it. My own personal diet theory is what I call the "80/20;" eighty percent good food, twenty percent whatever. Or, even more simply, you can have junk food, but don't make that the majority of what you're eating.
As I've said before in here, it just makes sense. Eating like crap makes you feel like crap, physically and mentally. But if the majority of what you eat is good, real food-- whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and veggies, some dairy-- go ahead and have some cookies or a chocolate bar. This leads to the second point Naturally Thin's author talks about, one's "food voice." We all know the feeling-- when for whatever reason you're just in the mood for pizza, or a big green salad or what have you. I agree that if you really pay attention to this feeling, you are less like to get carried away and end up eating an entire box of sweets.
This is why I sometimes can't stand fitness books or magazines that make it seem like SUCH a treat to allow yourself like, 2 Hershey's kisses or 1 fun sized Snickers bar once or twice a week. Bitch, please. I think by feeling as though one *has* to have such a tiny portion, it's just setting oneself up for a binge, or at the very least, eating more junk than might be a good idea. Seriously, say you have 4 M&Ms in the early afternoon and then find yourself out at dinner later that night. How easy is it going to be to think "well, I *only* had a little bit of chocolate before. let's get cheesecake!" and then bam! You're probably going to feel bad later for blowing it.
This is why I feel it is perfectly okay to have *one normal sized junky thing a day.* A whole slice of cake or a whole candy bar-- none of this mini sized crap. And usually that one normal sized thing keeps me over junk-food wise the whole day. Now that is not to say that if a small portion IS what you're craving, you should make yourself have more. No way. Again, you gotta listen to what your body is telling you.
Mind you, that is so much easier said than done. For about 10 years, there was no sane food voice in my life. A third of the author's rules is when whatever you're eating ceases to taste as good as it did at the first bite, stop eating. Again, this can be very difficult if you're not used to paying attention to your internal signals. I mean, I HATE feeling full-- it makes my skin crawl-- but for the longest time, I didn't even FEEL full until I was ready to burst. I don't think I was tasting my food at all, nevermind paying attention from one bite to the next. This is where mindfulness needs to be applied. If you slow down and pay attention to what you're eating, you will know when you're satisfied. It can take practice.
Well, all in all I think I follow the book's ideas naturally, just in a more relaxed fashion. I aim to eat a variety of foods each day, including some junk. When I'm full, I stop. The end. I don't like getting caught up in how much of a particular food group I'm eating or what size particular meals should be. I'll stay a bit anarchistic where all that's concerned. ;)
One of the author's main points is "Your diet is a bank account." Healthy foods are like "smart investments" and thus junk foods are splurges-- fine, but the goal is to keep the account in balance.
I think this advice is all well and good as long as one doesn't go overboard with it. My own personal diet theory is what I call the "80/20;" eighty percent good food, twenty percent whatever. Or, even more simply, you can have junk food, but don't make that the majority of what you're eating.
As I've said before in here, it just makes sense. Eating like crap makes you feel like crap, physically and mentally. But if the majority of what you eat is good, real food-- whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and veggies, some dairy-- go ahead and have some cookies or a chocolate bar. This leads to the second point Naturally Thin's author talks about, one's "food voice." We all know the feeling-- when for whatever reason you're just in the mood for pizza, or a big green salad or what have you. I agree that if you really pay attention to this feeling, you are less like to get carried away and end up eating an entire box of sweets.
This is why I sometimes can't stand fitness books or magazines that make it seem like SUCH a treat to allow yourself like, 2 Hershey's kisses or 1 fun sized Snickers bar once or twice a week. Bitch, please. I think by feeling as though one *has* to have such a tiny portion, it's just setting oneself up for a binge, or at the very least, eating more junk than might be a good idea. Seriously, say you have 4 M&Ms in the early afternoon and then find yourself out at dinner later that night. How easy is it going to be to think "well, I *only* had a little bit of chocolate before. let's get cheesecake!" and then bam! You're probably going to feel bad later for blowing it.
This is why I feel it is perfectly okay to have *one normal sized junky thing a day.* A whole slice of cake or a whole candy bar-- none of this mini sized crap. And usually that one normal sized thing keeps me over junk-food wise the whole day. Now that is not to say that if a small portion IS what you're craving, you should make yourself have more. No way. Again, you gotta listen to what your body is telling you.
Mind you, that is so much easier said than done. For about 10 years, there was no sane food voice in my life. A third of the author's rules is when whatever you're eating ceases to taste as good as it did at the first bite, stop eating. Again, this can be very difficult if you're not used to paying attention to your internal signals. I mean, I HATE feeling full-- it makes my skin crawl-- but for the longest time, I didn't even FEEL full until I was ready to burst. I don't think I was tasting my food at all, nevermind paying attention from one bite to the next. This is where mindfulness needs to be applied. If you slow down and pay attention to what you're eating, you will know when you're satisfied. It can take practice.
Well, all in all I think I follow the book's ideas naturally, just in a more relaxed fashion. I aim to eat a variety of foods each day, including some junk. When I'm full, I stop. The end. I don't like getting caught up in how much of a particular food group I'm eating or what size particular meals should be. I'll stay a bit anarchistic where all that's concerned. ;)
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Boring, Sorry
Loggin'. . .
breakfast:
egg and cheese on a spinach bagel
coffee (black, of course)
snack:
1 chocolate mint Clif bar
lunch:
hard to describe. . .a tofu-chicken roll stuffed with beans and corn and maybe cheese? I don't know, but it was good.
2 medjool dates
after work snack:
4 Joe Joes
dinner:
black beans, mixed veggies, salsa and guacamole clump with blue corn chips
I will probably just have an apple heated up with my usual mix of Ayurvedically pleasing spices later.
***********
I have to set up an appointment with my GP withint the next few weeks so I can get a refill of my meds. Although I think what I'm currently on now is fine, I am a little worried about once school starts. I might be time to bump the dosage up as a security measure, just to see what happens.
There's an article in the latest Newsweek about an organization for mentally ill people choosing to live without medication. I don't like being stuck with meds, but if I don't take them, I pretty much can't get out of bed-- and it only gets worse from there. I guess if you have some kind of mania or something like that, you could funnel that energy into creative pursuits or something productive, but that is so not the case with me.
Although-- since getting better on track than I used to be, I find it very, very diffiicult to write fiction like I used to. Those of you who have known me for awhile *know* my never-ending novel (No--Part II!) I still "know" what's going on, if you will, but if I try to sit down and write it. . .forget it. It's very very difficult. In a way, I know that's a good thing because I'm not living vicariously through my characters, but at the same time. . .I miss writing!
Well, I'm gonna stop here, cuz even thinking about this is starting to bring me down. Guess I'll play MahJong til WoW is an option again. :p
breakfast:
egg and cheese on a spinach bagel
coffee (black, of course)
snack:
1 chocolate mint Clif bar
lunch:
hard to describe. . .a tofu-chicken roll stuffed with beans and corn and maybe cheese? I don't know, but it was good.
2 medjool dates
after work snack:
4 Joe Joes
dinner:
black beans, mixed veggies, salsa and guacamole clump with blue corn chips
I will probably just have an apple heated up with my usual mix of Ayurvedically pleasing spices later.
***********
I have to set up an appointment with my GP withint the next few weeks so I can get a refill of my meds. Although I think what I'm currently on now is fine, I am a little worried about once school starts. I might be time to bump the dosage up as a security measure, just to see what happens.
There's an article in the latest Newsweek about an organization for mentally ill people choosing to live without medication. I don't like being stuck with meds, but if I don't take them, I pretty much can't get out of bed-- and it only gets worse from there. I guess if you have some kind of mania or something like that, you could funnel that energy into creative pursuits or something productive, but that is so not the case with me.
Although-- since getting better on track than I used to be, I find it very, very diffiicult to write fiction like I used to. Those of you who have known me for awhile *know* my never-ending novel (No--Part II!) I still "know" what's going on, if you will, but if I try to sit down and write it. . .forget it. It's very very difficult. In a way, I know that's a good thing because I'm not living vicariously through my characters, but at the same time. . .I miss writing!
Well, I'm gonna stop here, cuz even thinking about this is starting to bring me down. Guess I'll play MahJong til WoW is an option again. :p
Monday, May 4, 2009
Chhhhhhhhhh
The c is not an accident!
I have no idea what I'm talking about, lol.
Today was not really a good day. I drove to Warwick, hoping Barnes and Noble would have some newer editions of a few magazines, but no such luck. In any case, I found a few things I would have like to buy, but then I reconsidered. I could definitely use the money for other things, so I put everything back. Decisions, decisions.
Then I came home and played WoW. All day. And in the course of all this, I only ate a Prana Bar (like a granola bar, but all raw ingredients) and a double berry scone from Sophie's all day. It is no surprise then why my mood took a nose dive as the afternoon went on. :/ I scarfed down a few snacks (a few dates, some Joe Joes) but didn't eat anything else substantial until right now, after going grocery shopping. I just made a quick, microwaved mix of frozen mixed veggies, seitan, salsa and a glob of guacamole for some savoriness. I threw in a few drops of Frank's Red Hot and then ate it up with organic blue corn chips. Surprise, I already feel better. ~_~
There has been one matter on my mind, however, and that is: I think it may be time for me to switch barns. When I first started riding again, last September, it had tentatively been my plan *anyway* not to stay at this place forever. I simply wanted to get back into riding shape and then I'd make the switch over to a barn that's more advanced.
Well, I think it's that time. There's nothing wrong with this current place, but if I stay here, my riding is *not* going to advance at all. I like my instructor, but she's definitely more used to dealing with beginners and sometimes I feel like she doesn't quite know what to do with me-- I end up making a lot of own instructions (like silently deciding to do Figure 8's or leg yields. . .stuff like that). And you already know I love, love, love the horse that I ride, but poor Dandy is not and never will be capable of doing anything more than a basic walk, trot, and canter. He just never had the training when he was younger to say, move in a dressage frame and it's obvious he gets unhappy when I ask him to. Plus, I wouldn't mind jumping again, as that's what I was primarily into back in the day, and there's only one horse at the barn that is capable of doing so. This barn simply isn't geared towards jumping anyway-- they don't have any real fences or jump standards. . .just a few cavalettis that max out at 18" or so, tops.
I think I know the barn that I want to switch to; I've known several people who have ridden with this trainer and gave her good reviews all around. Plus, lessons are only $10 more for a full hour of riding, so that's a better deal in the long run. So. . .not sure when I'm going to give this place a call and I'm *definitely* not sure how I'm going to leave my current place. Truthfully, I did want to take a few weeks off before we go to Kripalu so I can use what would have been riding money as "vacation money" so maybe after that I can just say that I need to take some time off for financial reasons. . .dunno. I have a feeling it wouldn't be taken well if I came out with my real reason, even though I don't mean any ill will towards anyone there. :\
So, that's my little dilemma of the moment.
This past Saturday evening, Travis and I went to Rhodes on the Pawtuxet in Cranston for the RI Heritage Hall of Fame's banquet. One of the professors we both had, Professor Molloy, was inducted for the contributions he has made as a labor activist, a professor, and a historian. The ceremony was okay. . .sure enough he was the next to last person to be inducted and by that time I was starting to get sleepy, lol. I absolutely think he has earned the accolades and if any of you current URI students have an extra 3 credits you need to use up, I highly recommend taking the History of Labor. I'm not exaggerating when I say that that class was life changing for me. It wasn't a topic I had seriously thought about before and every class had so much food for thought --
and dammit, I gotta go. Will finish at some point!
I have no idea what I'm talking about, lol.
Today was not really a good day. I drove to Warwick, hoping Barnes and Noble would have some newer editions of a few magazines, but no such luck. In any case, I found a few things I would have like to buy, but then I reconsidered. I could definitely use the money for other things, so I put everything back. Decisions, decisions.
Then I came home and played WoW. All day. And in the course of all this, I only ate a Prana Bar (like a granola bar, but all raw ingredients) and a double berry scone from Sophie's all day. It is no surprise then why my mood took a nose dive as the afternoon went on. :/ I scarfed down a few snacks (a few dates, some Joe Joes) but didn't eat anything else substantial until right now, after going grocery shopping. I just made a quick, microwaved mix of frozen mixed veggies, seitan, salsa and a glob of guacamole for some savoriness. I threw in a few drops of Frank's Red Hot and then ate it up with organic blue corn chips. Surprise, I already feel better. ~_~
There has been one matter on my mind, however, and that is: I think it may be time for me to switch barns. When I first started riding again, last September, it had tentatively been my plan *anyway* not to stay at this place forever. I simply wanted to get back into riding shape and then I'd make the switch over to a barn that's more advanced.
Well, I think it's that time. There's nothing wrong with this current place, but if I stay here, my riding is *not* going to advance at all. I like my instructor, but she's definitely more used to dealing with beginners and sometimes I feel like she doesn't quite know what to do with me-- I end up making a lot of own instructions (like silently deciding to do Figure 8's or leg yields. . .stuff like that). And you already know I love, love, love the horse that I ride, but poor Dandy is not and never will be capable of doing anything more than a basic walk, trot, and canter. He just never had the training when he was younger to say, move in a dressage frame and it's obvious he gets unhappy when I ask him to. Plus, I wouldn't mind jumping again, as that's what I was primarily into back in the day, and there's only one horse at the barn that is capable of doing so. This barn simply isn't geared towards jumping anyway-- they don't have any real fences or jump standards. . .just a few cavalettis that max out at 18" or so, tops.
I think I know the barn that I want to switch to; I've known several people who have ridden with this trainer and gave her good reviews all around. Plus, lessons are only $10 more for a full hour of riding, so that's a better deal in the long run. So. . .not sure when I'm going to give this place a call and I'm *definitely* not sure how I'm going to leave my current place. Truthfully, I did want to take a few weeks off before we go to Kripalu so I can use what would have been riding money as "vacation money" so maybe after that I can just say that I need to take some time off for financial reasons. . .dunno. I have a feeling it wouldn't be taken well if I came out with my real reason, even though I don't mean any ill will towards anyone there. :\
So, that's my little dilemma of the moment.
This past Saturday evening, Travis and I went to Rhodes on the Pawtuxet in Cranston for the RI Heritage Hall of Fame's banquet. One of the professors we both had, Professor Molloy, was inducted for the contributions he has made as a labor activist, a professor, and a historian. The ceremony was okay. . .sure enough he was the next to last person to be inducted and by that time I was starting to get sleepy, lol. I absolutely think he has earned the accolades and if any of you current URI students have an extra 3 credits you need to use up, I highly recommend taking the History of Labor. I'm not exaggerating when I say that that class was life changing for me. It wasn't a topic I had seriously thought about before and every class had so much food for thought --
and dammit, I gotta go. Will finish at some point!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
YO
I have stuff to write about, but I don't know if I'll be motivated to before I go to work. Thanks Wayne for putting me on at 2 instead of 4 like Christine used to. >_<.
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