I Feel Bad

for the way I seem sometimes.

I feel as though my normal mode is distant, aloof, composed. All the time in the past I've had to deal with people, particularly boyfriends, feeling as though I didn't really care about them, or at least, not that much.

And it's frustrating because I *do* care, but I have a hard time showing it. By nature I am very serious and reserved. It takes a long time to break out of that shell, and even when I do I can revert right back to it if I feel at all slighted by others.

I'm not even sure if other people feel the same way or if it's just so ingrained into my mind that that's "how I am" even if it's not true.

And I am probably overanalysing this.

I just sometimes still feel alone, cuz I know I have some different interests (to put it mildly) and that sometimes I am way too serious. Part of me is still stuck in my freshman year of college when I hated being myself because apparently I wasn't decent enough to make *any* friends. And then the ways in which I chose to self destruct at least earned me some online friends and community. I used to tell therapists I couldn't give up my habits cuz they made me interesting. I'm starting to think that no, maybe I was afraid to give them up because I would no longer be able to have that kinship if I wanted it. There aren't any good "yeah, now you're recovered!" forums. Believe me, I've looked. :p

Well, that's enough. I have 20 minutes to play WoW and I am not wasting them!