Miracle of Miracles

I actually went to a yoga class this morning! haha

It was a good class, straight up vinyasa, so it was a little different from the basic classes I usually take. We didn't do anything crazier than Warrior III , which was fine. As I like to say, horseback riding seems to use all the opposite muscles from yoga, so I'm definitely not as stretchy as I was before I started riding again (and nowhere NEAR as stretchy as I was when I was doing ballet). Towards the end of class, when we were on our sides after Savasana (no, I'm not sure why the dude in the picture has a pillow on his crotch O_o) the teacher asked us to consider how we were going to bless ourselves today. That's it's so much easier to be gentle and understanding of other people, but not ourselves and how we could extend the self-care of our morning class to the whole day.

I counted on today being a "me" day, because this week's been a little rough. Yesterday, I felt like a hand was gripping all my organs, pulling me back and telling me that I was not free yet, that it will figure out a way to weasle back into my life. My old problems like to do that from time to time, even though I've been obstensibly healthier for awhile now.

I don't need to punish myself anymore.

I used to be angry at my introversion, but now I've learned to live with it. I've been taking more active steps to get out there with people, even if it's scary and I hate it. It usually works out alright.

I used to be angry that I have a lot of interests and a hard time concentrating on one thing. But now I feel like I have that many more options, if perchance the Library thing doesn't work out.

I still have a hard time appreciating that I'm healthy. Before, I didn't really cared if anything happened to me because if I got some time out of life to go to the hospital or whatnot, so much the better. I needed the time off, away from everything. But I am pretty okay with where I am now. In any case, I've done all I can regarding my future until I hear from URI. Only once I know their decision can I plan my next step. But I have a place to live, a job that's okay, a good relationship, people to talk to, I am riding horses, etc. etc. There's really nothing for me to be upset about, I think I'm just so used to feeling crappy, it's weird not to.

But I like the fact that I am a strong person and I can usually do things I set out to do. I used to think that I was being strong by systematically destroying myself but now that I look around and see other people stressing over the same things, I realize that it's nothing to be envious of at all. In fact I just kind of feel bad for people stuck in that rut. Maybe someday I would like to write down the story of my past 10 or so years, and how much better to finally say I FREAKING BEAT THE THING than to say "so I went back to doing what I was doing." Not a lot of people can recover on their own, but I basically have and *that* is something that is admirable.

I try to keep this in mind, but it's all easier said than done.

Well, please excuse the babble. I know I said I'd write about my Mom's tarot card party, and I'm sure I will but I felt like typing all these thoughts in my head somewhere. Now it's time for Warcraft. :p