The Word For the Past Few Days

was DWELLING.

You already know some of it. You know I was upset about old feelings cropping up, having to do with lonliness and starting to worry about what I was eating. Then I read something alluding to me online (thanks, Facebook) that hurt me quite a bit. It was especially bad timing because Travis and I are coming up on "that" anniversary, aka the one when my other two serious, long-term relationships basically ended. There's NO reason to think that something would happen in the next few days that would cause some kind of horrific, irreconcilable rift between us (seriously. . .what? haha) but I know there's a part of my mind that is a little. . .off.

So I went around being all grumpy and not-very-talkative and just feeling my mind being swamped in this stew of nastiness. When it gets like this, it's very hard for me to articulate *what* I'm feeling, which is why it's easier not to say anything.

I hate to say it, but 9 times out of 10, what gets me out of my head is going to work. It's not that I love ol' RA, but it at least gives me something else to do and offers plenty of opportunities for just being present with what's happening at the moment and practicing equanimity and sometimes even friendliness.

And so, between the time I ate breakfast and when I actually left the office to do stuff, that's when I had my "dwelling epiphany." So much of what was bothering me was tied to who I used to be, which is quite a different beast from what I am now. I worked so hard last year at becoming a better caretaker to myself, but all because of some things that reminded me of the past, I was almost ready to throw in the towel again.

But when I stopped and looked at the present moment, I saw that things were going pretty well. I had just finished eating a healthy breakfast. Everyone had showed up that was supposed to. People had been pleasant so far. I even felt okay about the snow, because that probably meant it would be a quiet day, and I prefer that by far (and there was actually stuff to do, so we wouldn't be bored). There was really nothing to be upset about at that moment. As the day went on, I continued to feel happier and by the time I left, I was basically back to normal.

Since no state of mind is premanent, I know I'll probably feel down about the aforementioned things again, but at least now I've had experiences like this one, when I've been able to actively guide myself in a better direction. It's so important to be able to do this, but easier said then done sometimes.

There is more I was hoping to write, but I need to do a few things today before it gets too late. And I have a riding lesson later, so I don't have all day. :p

The only other thing I want to say right now is to please feel thankful for all that you do have, especially with the way the economy's been. I live right near one of the area's food pantries and it seems like every week the crowd there gets bigger and bigger. Today I drove past at 9am or so and there was already a crowd at the door and a line down the parking lot. There were so many cars that people had to park in the church lot right next door. Things should not be this way in this country and I can only hope that this administration can start making some changes that will actually do *good* for once. I know, I know, it's a way long, complicated thing that I could write an entire entry on, but just please keep all the people who have less than you do in your thoughts. Any one of us could find ourselves in that predicament very easily, so let's practice compassion instead of feelings of superiority.