Silly Ego

Sorry I've not been writing in here. I've been considering starting a different new blog, but I might just see if I can change a few things on here instead. I don't know. When I have things straightened out, I'll let you guys know.

So, today's story.

Yesterday I started work at 1. It was delivery day, so I figured I knew exactly what I was doing-- aisle 8, cosmetics, a bunch of the medicine aisles and whatever was left. Before I got situated, I talked to Wayne just to see how the day was going thusfar. Apparently a "certain morning cashier" called out that morning, meaning Wayne was by himself until he could finagle a few people from neighboring stores to come in. And on truck day, no less. But that was earlier, and by that time truck was almost done except for some front aisles and the day was actually going smoothly. So, when I was settled I put my vest on and went to work in aisle 8.

After finishing a few totes and being thoroughly lost in thought and in what I was doing, I was interrupted by Wayne and one of the guys from the other store standing at the end of the aisle.
"Put a drawer in already!" my manager exclaimed. I didn't even respond at first because I was like "um, okay." But I figured it was just while the other kid was on his break or something and then I'd get to go back to my aisles.

So I put a drawer in. It was too much of a pain to keep working in aisle 8 while trying to watch the front, so I jumped to aisle 2 instead. To my dismay, it appeared that the guy who had been ringing wasn't going on a break, Wayne had just pulled him onto the floor and sent *me* up front instead. The nerve! This is *my* store, not theirs, and I definitely know where everything is much better (especially when one of the guys started to do cosmetics-- hello, obviously a section I know a little better than they do v_v). Furthermore, I'm a shift, not a cashier, so why is it I feel like I've been ringing more than anything else lately? And then I just didn't appreciate the way I was told to "put a drawer in" without even being told what was going on. Was I going to be stuck up there til 4? Was this only temporary? It would have been nice to know!

I was feeling angry, slighted, insulted, indignant, etc. And to make matters worse, it was just busy enough that it was taking me forever to get aisle 2 put away. I was in a *very* uncharacteristically rotten mood.

But I made myself dissect what I was feeling. In a word, I was agitated. Why was I agitated? Because I was clinging onto my perceptions of how the day should have been with a deathgrip. I like having control of things, routine, etc. but if you think about it even for a moment, it's all an illusion of control. Clinging to anything = suffering. We can influence what will happen in our lives, but there's a hell of a lot that's going to happen that we can't control and trying to fight against that brings unhappiness, like what I was feeling.

I had to very consciously change my perception of what the day was to be like. My job was no longer to do my usual aisles. I had to ring and do aisle 2, the end. I could either keep being pissed about the situation or just accept that fact and allow myself to be content. I like aisle 2, and ringing is usually not that bad. Besides, it was only for a couple of hours. As far as feeling slighted, insulted, etc. that was completely my own ego at work. Wayne was not mad at me, not trying to punish me or anything like that-- it was only my mind, clinging to the idea of what I'm "supposed" to do that made it seem so. When I stopped thinking about what I had expected my day to be like and accepted how my day actually was-- amazing-- I felt a lot better. I was able to be much friendlier to customers and even the workers from the nearby stores who were doing "my" job. And seriously, it's just better not to go around with that knot of bad feelings in one's stomach, you know?

And that was yesterday's mini Buddhist lesson, hah.

It's so nice not to have anything in particular to do today. I spent this week sending the acceptance to my acceptance at URI, filling out FAFSA and calling Kripalu to book our trip (June 9th-12th, CAN'T WAIT), and just doing errands. I had meant to go to yoga this morning but overslept-- oh well, guess my body needed sleep. Next week I will email the department head about setting up an advising appointment and contact both the professors who wrote my recommendations to thank them again. I really didn't want to overtax myself by doing everything this week. My social anxiety still crops up, but if I break things I need to do down into managable bits I can deal.

Well, that's it for now. Hope you all have a good Friday!