I will Probably Delete This But

I'm annoyed at the tooth situation (can't get it extracted til the middle of JULY), I'm annoyed at people who insist on commenting on my weight and I think the best thing to do is just get this off my chest.

The most frustrating thing is that I am fully responsible for the state of my teeth.

I used to have great teeth. My very picky hygenist even used to compliment me, saying that I obviously took good care of them. Going to the dentist for a cleaning was always quick and easy. I had a couple of minor cavities back when I was younger, but for the most part, no problems. Nothing to worry about.

Then. . .things changed.

Here's the bombshell, kids.

From 2000 to 2008 I dealt with all kinds of eating related problems. From 2003 on, that largely meant purging. I was NOT bulimic because bingeing was not much my thing, but normal sized meals and snacks? Anywhere from a few times a day to just a couple of times a week, that ice cream/cous cous and veggie mix/sushi/egg and cheese sandwich/you name it was bound to see the light of day again, and soon.

It's not even so much that I was doing it to lose weight. I was never quite efficient enough for that. It was just something I didn't think I could do, so it became its own perverse little challenge-- I was going to show my body who was boss. After it was obvious that I *could* it was so ingrained as a habit, and I'm sure chemically, that I could not quit. Literally nothing was safe to eat, not even salad if I ate "too much" of it.

Well, as you can imagine, this caused a lot of physical problems, but the destruction of my teeth has been the most lasting. A lot of purgers swig mouthwash afterwards to get rid of some of the acid, but not me. I didn't *want* a clean bill of health; I wanted someone to notice that something was up.

Yeah. In 2008, I got my "wish" when x-rays showed that I had 12 cavities, noticeable enamel erosion and of course, that misshapen back tooth. I was NOT thrilled; I went back to the apartment and cried. Didn't stop me from throwing up though; a few days later, I was at it again.

Between moving into Travis' family's house (where I'm never alone) and my Kripalu trip last year, I was ready to quit and furthermore, had no choice. There was no magic to the process; at first it was so, so, so hard but eventually I saw that by sticking to my 80% good, 20% junk food ratio, I could keep my weight just fine. There are still things I do not like to eat, but nothing is really off limits. And even before my tooth started acting up, I decided it was pretty much over. The few slips I had made me feel so awful physically that I realize I just wasn't into that anymore. I don't miss constant acid reflux, nor heart palpitations, nor lightheadedness and feeling off-balance all the time.

So sometimes nowadays when people comment on my weight, I get kinda mad because I feel like they may be insinuating that I have a problem when I truly, honestly don't. I've been through a lot and had to work to get to the healthy point I am at now; I am fervently against dieting and all that crap. I am much more inspired by people who eat well, exercise cuz they want to, and realize that there's much more to living than obsessing over all that.

That's it.