Hello

"Every morning, when we wake up, we have twenty-four brand-new hours to live. What a precious gift! We have the capacity to live in a way that these twenty-four hours will bring peace, joy, and happiness to ourselves and others." Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace is Every Step

2009. Not just a brand new 24 hours, but a brand new year.

The idea was a little daunting at first, as 2008 was the best year I'd had in a long time.

It didn't start out that way, of course. I've always been better at hurting and punishing myself instead of treating myself well. In fact, when I'd read in a book or hear from a therapist about "self-nurturing," the idea didn't make sense to me. I had no idea where to start. Furthermore, I didn't think I deserved to treat myself better. All my problems were self-inflicted, so it was my responsibility to deal with them.

But part of me has always been drawn to health and wellness. Even in my darkest days, I've been a sucker for self-help books. I've also been interested and open to all sorts of spirituality. However, when your overriding core belief is "I suck at life," all those ideas amount to pretty words and ideals. Good for other people, not so applicable to oneself.

I think the turning point came when I spent several days at Kripalu last June. While I was there, the idea of treating myself the way I had been felt downright absurd. While there, I did not let myself worry about anything going on in my life. I threw myself fully into the experience-- yoga classes in the morning, walking meditation in the labrynth, healthy and delicious meals, and quiet time at night in the upstairs lounge, journaling and sipping on rooibos tea.

While there, for the first time, I felt like I *wanted* to change how I was living. I knew it was going to be easier said than done, but after having just 3 more peaceful days than I had had in years, I knew it was possible.

So, what happened?

-I started following Buddhism more closely
-I started following more Ayurvedic principles for my constitution (primarily Vata with a dash of Pitta)
-I owned up to the fact that I NEED meds. Anxiety runs in my family, so trying to deny that my brain chemistry is what it is turns into a no-win situation.
-I took some very scary chances that I knew would ultimately make my life better, ie. calling about riding lessons

But the biggest factor in making 2008 a great year is what's described in the quote up top. Living well is a day to day thing. Sometimes even moment to moment. It's not like my life has been perfect since last June-- I've had some very dark days and a few relapses into old behaviors-- but I find that I *can* get myself back on track now. Before, one bad thing would lead to another and then I'd be on a rocketing downward spiral to some kind of new low. Now, even if it takes a few days, I can pull myself away from the edge.

Another key piece of advice that I got from one of my books is along the same lines; "Reinvent Yourself Daily." Again, I know it's easier said than done, but it's worth taking the chance. Since working on changing my own life, I've gotten these benefits:

-I'm healthier. No random bouts of nausea, no acid reflux, no scary heart palpitations, no near-passing out when I stand up. The list goes on and on.
-I'm less stressed. I know, I keep saying I'm so stressed about grad school, blah blah blah, but I'm not *dwelling* on it like I could be. I used to always have a knot in my stomach about something, but not so anymore.
-My appetite is. . .normal. Weird. I try to eat mostly healthily, but I *always* make time for a chocolate break, haha. And the weird part is, without any effort at all, my weight is actually *lower* than before.
-I'm a little nicer to people. I'm not a "people person" by nature, but my job more or less requires me to crack open my shell. The fact that I'm not constantly stewing in self-loathing makes it easier to be more mindful of how I'm treating others.

And there is more. I started this blog not to bitch about things but to muse about my continuing efforts to make 2009 as good of a year or better than 2008. That is my only overall goal for this year, but I think it's a worthwhile one.

Til next time!